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Yeah, it's a little past 2 AM and I can't sleep. I am just thinking about how scared I am. I am scared of myself and even more terrified of opening up. In my past and now, I am that person that even my parents think will be ok and will thrive no matter what. I told one of them about my eating disorder and they didn't do anything about it.....so I guess they think I'll be ok on my own? As a little kid, I never felt like my problems were worth stating. And to make matters worse, whenever I did have several huge problems, they got ignored. For example, when I got seriously injured at eight, my mom yelled at me to keep going until I actually couldn't walk. Yeah, um then I got help finally. Even though I had been telling her I was in pain, she didn't think it was serious until I was on the ground :( Stuff like that happened often, and I just didn't really feel like anything I felt mattered. My problems were mine and mine alone. To be honest, I still feel like that a lot. So, now in my teens, I am very closed off with my emotions towards pretty much all humans. When I open up, I feel immediate guilt like whatever I say is worthless because no one is going to care or understand. It makes me feel like panicking. So, I am afraid of opening up about depression/ED. I think I'd be horrible with a counselor. Not to mention I'd probably have to find one secretly because I don't think my parents understand how bad everything is or something. Telling them isn't really working. Well, guess I'll see. Right now though, there's not much I can do at 2 AM.
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Talking to a counselor seems like a good idea. Don't think you are horrible, try it out. You can always cancel it if it doesn't work.
It sounds like your family doesn't take your problems seriously. A professional could get their attention in a different way. Also don't hide it from them that you need therapy. If you end up getting it they will end up finding out about it anyway.
ReplyYou are not alone. I am at adult stage now. But feeling hurt and scared especially when i have my time to think what i really feel. We will get through this soon.
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