Why cook?

I've had really rough time trying to stay motivated to do things and I'm facing up against making my very first homemade meal.

Doesn't sound so complex, right?

But it is vastly more complex than just that. It always is with me, I've just got a knack for overanalyzing literally everything.

I look at my life right now and I'm conscious of everything. I know the exact steps I need to take and all that jazz. It's just too comfortable to want to get out of this, even though it hurts so much. It's what I'm used to, it's all I've ever known.

The comfort is enough to keep me from trying for the most part, but ive been attempting to break that. Mostly unsuccessfully.

I think that's why I chose cooking as my beginning in breaking down all these things I've built up and all the perceptions I have about myself and my capabilities. I absolutely loathe myself to the inth degree. Something I'm working on.

I know that if I took all these steps, I could beat this. I could totally and entirely flip my life around in 2, maybe 3 years.

But it requires a balanced approach. Hard work, smart work and knowing when it's time to relax and take a breather.

Much in the same way as almost anything involving cooking. Let's say I wanna make bread. Something I have all the utensils for and all the ingredients. Right now, sitting on my floor in packages, on my countertop, in my cupboard and in my fridge. I have all the necessary tools and information to actually walk into my kitchen right now and literally make my own dough and eventually turn it into bread.

Just like I know all the steps, I've got all the tools and information to change my living circumstances and how i feel about my life.

They're literally one in the same. Just like my life, the bread isn't going to make itself, i have to be the one to do that.

I have to follow the information that i know and mix all the ingredients together, to put in the work and actions required.

Then there's a time of rest, where the dough does it's own little thing and rises. Just like my life, if I put in that initial effort, I'll eventually reach a point where there's nothing left to do but wait and watch it rise.

Then it's a bit more work, kneading the dough and forming it into a loaf and placing it in the oven. Just like I'd need to keep working towards things to bring a final thrust to the desired results. Ensuring it's sturdy enough and well structured.

Then it's off to the oven where I can wait, but i have to mindfully wait. Being aware that if I let it cook for too long, it'll burn. If I take it out too early, it won't be thoroughly cooked. So I have to be in that right time frame where things are just right. Ensuring that I'm available to yield the final product and reap the rewards of freshly baked bread.

Much like in life, I have to ensure I'm in the right spot at the right time and that time frame has some more give, it's a bit bigger than the 5 or so minutes between bread being undercooked and burnt.

So I still gotta be mindful and ensure that everything is in place and that there's also room for errors and whatever random events life decides to throw my way.

I know all of this, this is why I chose cooking. It's a literal metaphor for everything I have to change about me, all the things I have to do and the patience required to be where I need to be, when I need to be there.

Sounds great, right? Sounds like a plan!

But it's not that easy, it never is. Even though it could be that easy if I could get outside of my head. But I can't, it's my head. There is no escape from that.

So I have to sit here and slowly work my way up to this, despite the fact that I know everything I need to know, I have everything I need to have. The only problem here is me.

I'm always the problem.