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I recently moved and I thought this move would help with a lot of issues I've been having and in a way it has but I've been living out of boxes for over a month now and that means I have had to stop working on the development of my small business, I've had no space to make (I paint, draw, sew, etc) and I just feel stuck.
It makes me feel completely worthless like I have nothing to offer and that I should feel ashamed that I can't do all of these things, and it's making me feel like I have no space in this world.. I hate feeling like this because I know I have to finish the work on the house first but I just feel like I'm pacing back and forth doing nothing.
I am anxious, I just have all this self-hatred building up and seemingly no place to express it. I can't keep up any routine like yoga. I get up with all intention of doing it and then I talk myself out of it. I hate the state of the house, it's stressing me out big time and I can't find a fucking job.. even though I have all of this experience. I keep getting turned down and I just feel so fucking small.
So small, so insignificant. But I know I have so much to offer and I want to do that hence trying to develop a small business but now there is this huge fucking boulder in front of that and I just feel useless.
I'm tired of feeling like this. I know that it stems from my parents and how they were to me as a child.. I feel like I have to hold it all in and make everything seem like it's all normal and okay but on the inside, I'm fucking screaming. I feel so sad sometimes and I just want my inner child to let loose, feel free, feel love, feel the fucking love for myself but it's void most days.
I'm just fucking tired of it all.
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First off, I hope you are feeling a bit better having taken some time to express your emotions. This shows you do have self-love because you were able to take the time to make yourself feel better. I can sympathize with living out of boxes. It can be very overwhelming to organize and saddening to see your life packed away. my advice would be to start with one box a weak. I started with my kitchen and then moved to my bedroom, and then on until I had a stack of empty boxes in the corner. it helps too if you can think of something good or funny while unpacking. like finding a stuffed animal that has been with you for years or a pan that reminds you of the first time you tried to cook something from scratch. this will help put things into perspective that you are no longer who you were yesterday. even if you found a box with all your towels in it, it's an accomplishment.
As for finding a job, it's great that you are starting your own business. hand made items and small artists are so hot right now, but you need a place to work. so once you get your home in order, you will have a place. I'm not sure what your qualifications are but you could always try a temp agency or, as an artist, you could do some classes on Groupon. take whatever you can get and remind yourself that it is just a job and it's only temporary, but don't tell them that. (made that mistake once myself lol) You only need to work long enough until you can get your own business going. so tomorrow morning when you get up take a few deep breaths and let yourself know that everything will be okay. make a cup of tea or coffee and pick a box, flip a coin, or go with the smallest box you have. the small accomplishments will start to grow and life will start to fall into place. keep moving forward.
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