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It was the summer I had just turned 18. It all happened 4 days after my birthday and I was still in high school. I had gone to multiple parties before but I only went if my best friend would go with me because I loved to drink and just have a good time. Me and my best friend had been hanging out with our guy friend group for a couple days and one of them said that he was going to be throwing a party at his house and that we should go. Of course me wanting to have a good time 24/7 said yes and my friend said she would have to see how things play out. The day of the party came and my friend told me she wasn't going to be able to go. We never told our parents where we would actually go. Our parents weren't friends so we always told them we were staying the night at each others houses and they always believed us, that's how we were able to get away with so much. This time she wasn't allowed out. I was upset but I really wanted to go and have a good time. She asked how was I going to drive home and I told her our "friend" said it was cool if I stayed the night because multiple other people were going to also. I wasn't worried about any of it. So I said goodbye to my parents and told them I'd be back later tomorrow. I arrived to the guys house and right away was just having a lot of fun! More people kept showing up and I went to go sit on the couch to talk with some other people there and "my guy friend" came up and asked if I had wanted anything to drink, of course I said yes and he told me that he would make all my drinks for me because he makes the best. At first I said no it was okay I can make them but he gave me my drink and it was really good and so I agreed he could make them. We were all sitting in the living room and every time he would see my cup was running low, he would always get up and refill it so there was never a time I was out. There was another guy at the party who I had some past history with and when I am drunk, I'm able to make friends with everyone and anyone but I am also a huge flirt. The guy I had history with had said he wasn't going to be able to stay long and asked if I wanted to go out to his car and we did. We were in there talking a little bit but then he asked if I would give him head. I didn't want to so I just kept trying to keep conversation with him but then he would try to make out and keep asking. Then the guy who was throwing the party, came up to the window and was asking if I was leaving also and I told him no I would be staying, but that we were just talking about some things. He wouldn't leave us alone and it was getting time for the other guy to head home so I told him bye and went back inside with the other guy. Immediately when we walked in, He started giving me more drinks. I remember I was going around meeting all theses people I didn't know there and there was this one guy who kept trying to hit on me but he was funny so I hung out with him for awhile until he later left and was wanting me to go with him also but the guy throwing the party said no and that he was going to be taking care of me tonight. So he kissed me goodbye and I went right back to drinking, Until some people were getting hungry so they all agreed to go get some whataburger. Not all of us could fit in one car so we took 3 separate cars. "My friend" kept telling me to ride with him but I went to go ride with a different guy instead because we had started talking a bit in the house and were still talking. I remember waiting so long in line that by the time we were finally done getting food, I was starting to gain control of myself and everything around me. Everything was fine still. We headed back to the house and once everyone started eating, "my friend" started giving me more drinks and only me. This time I was gone by my second drink. I remember some people started leaving and the party was basically over. "My friend" told them that I was going to just stay there since I couldn't drive and he had my keys. The other guy who I rode with said that he would stay also but "my friend" said that he couldn't because his mom would be home early the next morning. I said if he can't stay then how can I? He answered by giving me another drink. Next thing I knew, everyone was gone and it was only him and me. He took me to his room and told me I would sleep here. I could barley walk by myself but I told him I would be fine sleeping in the guest bedroom but he kept telling me someone was in there and that his room was the only other place for me (no one was in the guest bedroom). Next thing I know, he starts grabbing me and is trying to take off my clothes. I keep telling him no I can't do this, I don't want to do this. And he tells me that no one is going to know about this. I repeatedly said no no no and to stop but then all my clothes were off. I was calling for my friends name but no one was there. I kept saying no and then I remember him shoving himself into me and I remember the pain I had felt and just how much it hurt me. He kept saying how big he was and how much he was going to enjoy this. I tried pulling him off of me but he would hold me down and tell me to take it. I had never been so scared. After he was done, he laid down beside me and wrapped his arm around me and that's how he slept. I remember calling my friends name and no one coming and then I fell asleep. That morning I woke up and he was still wrapped around me. I got up trying not to wake him and grabbed my clothes and started getting dressed. I was about to leave but couldn't find my keys. He then woke up and asked what I was doing and I told him my parents had texted me telling me to come home but that I just needed to find my keys. I called my best friend as he was getting the keys and told her to meet me at our high school. He gave me the keys and I left without saying bye or anything. It is now almost a year since that happened and I refuse to go to any party without my best friend or boyfriend. I have gone to parties and gotten drunk but when I do, i keep having flashbacks and need to be taken out because I end up screaming and crying. I get so scared of any guy around me. It has happened when I was with my boyfriend and he was afraid to scared to me and afterwards I felt terrible for putting him through that and having to see me like that. He knows everything that happened and understands why I freak out like that. I know he would never do anything like that to me but I feel terrible about it because I know I am scaring him, and I make him feel bad but that's not what I'm trying to do. He is trying to help me and tells me that it might be best if I also go and try to get help. I really don't know what to do. Now everywhere I go, I am so afraid of any man that gets near me. And lately that's all I've been able to think about and I don't know why. He is starting to show up in my dreams again and when it first happened, I was not able to sleep for days. I recently moved down to my college and I think maybe me being by myself here is why I am freaking out about it so much. I miss my best friend and my boyfriend so much and want nothing more then to see them. My mom is coming down this weekend and I want to tell her about it, I just don't know if I should.
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You know your mom best so it is up to you whether you want her to know.
It is highly important that you see a therapist to help you heal. If you need your mother's help to pay for the therapist you will then have to tell her. All the best.
ReplyThank You. I'm just really scared to tell her and to see how to reacts to all of it
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