How I Feel of my Life

Today I am not inspired, grateful, or happy. There is something inside me, a feeling I can't express or show. But part of it is darkness and I am afraid of it. Something bigger than what I am, is living in me and wants to be all spilled out but I won't let it. My emotions are all kept inside of me and I won't let them be free or else it would be the end. People see me as a sensitive kid who is great at things and smart and would do anything others tell him to do but No! Every time they do things like this or assume a person I am not it gets me mad, not at them but at myself for not expressing my true self in the beginning but if I do, that child who was a great kid would be gone and I will be a disappointment to my family. I have a religious family and it's the worst because you have to be seen as a child of god. I don't have a life because of this, whatever I want to do it's bad for my family. I want to be a normal child who has normal parents who accept whoever you are. I am not what my family or others thinks of me, I am the opposite which they don't see because I never show my real identity to no one. When they see me I make myself seem happy, excited, grateful for the life I am living but deep down inside of me I feel like I am living hell. Why might you ask? Like I said my family is religious and when they talk about those bad people, who shouldn't have been born, I see myself as one of those people and when they say this I feel hurt. I always wanted to cry, scream, and even hurt someone not because I physically got hurt but I emotionally get hurt every time my family speaks about the bible because everything in the bible goes against what I believe in. The thing is, I believe in god and in hell and when I hear those stuff in the bible I see myself in hell and it's pretty much the worst and hurtful thing. I had once thought of suicide and the reactions of my family. Most of my family doesn’t care about me but I never show how that makes me truly feel. My thoughts are scary because I think of controlling the world when I grow up or even starting world war 3. When I see humans I think, "what are we doing to our home." It is being destroyed and what are we doing? nothing. We should all be equal in a good environment. Right now I don't want to die. I want to live to grow up and change the world to a better place and I think that's what my purpose is. I believe we can all make change. I just wish I was born in another family to do this, as my family wouldn't accept who I could become in the future. I don't know what I am doing, what I do know is that keeping my identity to myself would be the key for my future and that maybe telling someone my true identity could be helpful in the future when telling my family who I really am.