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Young, US, Disabled, Frustrated
3 months ago · · Stress, · Explicit
I'm only 27, I have a rare connective tissue disorder that makes lifting impossible and I've never had the training to understand how to move myself properly without my joints going wildly out of the normal range of motion, then causing damage and pain. As far as I know its Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and without thousands of dollars, I can't know if I have one of the 12 other types that can be much more dangerous. That isn't my issue. I'm not in a wheelchair, which is certainly a possibility with my condition, and as far as anyone can tell, I'm a totally put together, well off girl who can accomplish anything. But I exist in a realm of pain and discomfort that I understand as being "normal", that as far as I am aware, everyone experiences and is just fine. They work full time hours, with jobs that have them heavy lifting, they come home to cook dinner for the kids they were able to have with no extra preparation or fear that their hips would be destroyed and snatch away their ability to chase or hold their babies.
I have been diagnosed with an "anxiety" disorder and can't afford to find out if it is really a rare heart condition that goes hand in hand with EDS called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. Of course, there is also a heavy chance that it is just autonomic dysautonomia which basically means that all the parts of the body who function without thought, don't function properly for me. So while I'm wracked with pain, my thoughts are obsessive about my illness (and hypochondria because at this point, I sound like it to myself and I think I've been brainwashed to believe this is the case.), I get little relief from work since the only jobs I am qualified for in my area are basic grunt jobs.
It doesn't matter that I am a top employee at these jobs, I can't ever catch a real promotion without experience. Now I keep having to listen to people congratulate me on attaining my Associate of Arts Oregon Transfer degree, this is a useless degree so far, and I'm just getting more and more frustrated being congratulated. It's just a basic college education degree. I've been relying on family to take care of my while I failed over and over for a useless degree. Now my husband is getting frustrated with me because he was able to build his body up and work his way into a position that he hasn't had the schooling for while I've just been coddled my whole life (as far as I can tell this is what he sees) and I have to consciously think about my thumbs as I type to prevent myself from bending my thumbs backward to an extreme degree every time I hit the space bar.
On top of all of this, since I starting quitting cigarettes, I keep having very vivid flashbacks of being abused by my ex. Now, I have an art degree, and my hometown is creative writing, so in the midst of these very aggressive flashbacks, my mind is wrapped in this idea of every villain having their own story and reason for believing what they are doing is right and just. One incident gave me a concussion, while I repeatedly heard something about him not being "justified" like I wasn't justifying his actions for him and he needed that. My entire perception of myself is warped, I'm struggling to understand what to do on the day to day and anywhere there is "help" that might ease some of my worries, it only costs thousands of dollars that, oh yeah, I couldn't afford....
At this rate, I'm going back to fast food, to be covered in grease, unappreciated by my superiors, breaking down my body even faster, forced to utilize the Oregon Health Insurance Marketplace that prevented me from filing taxes in 2017 and I still haven't been able to get into the irs or Oregon department of revenue to straighten out and I literally have fucking panic attacks just thinking about it. I won't have any time or energy to cook or clean so our health will fail, my marriage will fail, he will fail at work, and it will all have been my fault. For getting a useless degree, for having a useless body, for having useless adults who never cared and just told me I was "too young to have issues" and that I was just being "lazy" and "trying to manipulate people into giving me what I want"
Do you know what I really want? I want to be dead. So the only thing I have ever done to purposefully manipulate someone was probably making my ex homicidal and trying to get someone to kill me.
My husband makes too much money for me to get OHP, state insurance, so once again I am someone else's responsibility, someone's burden, and I have to stay completely at his mercy for 7 years before the government will think I am disabled and need assistance. But I don't want assistance! I want to be self sufficient, I want to be able to buy gifts and do favors and use my skills to help people find their talent and self sufficiency. But all I learn is that I am useless, I can't fix myself, my seasonal job, my insurance, my taxes, my relationships (don't even start me on frustrations and inadequacies of painful and easily dislocated joints on a sex life), my future, my degree, my fucking junk of a car, my absolute need for unemployment twice a year for 6 weeks each time.
I finally got 2 interviews and they sounded like they really want me for their "full time" with benefits positions but low and behold, I don't have experience for one so they want to offer me a lower paying position 2-4 days a week and I don't even know how to politely respond at this point. At least with my lowly position, I am getting full time part of the year, too bad I have to pay my own phone bill, and gas, wear on my vehicle, and lose my own time driving because I cover 3 stores to get all those hours. Then the other position will pay me more, but they say it only runs from the end of February to mid-October. How the fuck am I supposed to pay for my health insurance the other 6 months out of the year? Never mind the fact that I will have to drive 30-50 minutes just to get to the first store to clock in and start getting paid because there is no Home Depot in my town. I wouldn't get paid for the drive home either. And if I need to go to the farthest store, it will be almost 2 hours drive there and back out of my pocket.
I just don't know what to do, I can't make anything better or get recognized for my above and beyond work. My husband is pissed I haven't found a job that properly compensates me and that I haven't been able to find actual full time work. Meanwhile I want to rip my hair out of head full time because I feel like I will have earned and deserved the outcome that I put my effort into.
I am now wasting time trying to get some of this out because I can't do dishes or laundry or vacuum because I just pace and my anxiety shoots up while my brain wanders over all the bad things....