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I love people. They're wonderful, cute, adorable and good-hearted. They deserve the world really. Well, not all but that's another thing. Anyway, I have lot of friends and I know how good they are when they tell be their bad memories in private and I've gained their trust enough for them to vent to me or come to me for support. I look at them smiling and I think they're beautiful, their happiness. Two of my friends are together and yesterday there was a moment not far from the time we were supposed to go home where they just were there looking at each other so purely with the love of a young heart. And they were just so cute and...good.
The thing is at them I look so caringly and lovingly, but when I look at myself I look like I'm looking at an outsider, an intruder and at the same time at someone who I've always known best , who I've spent all my life with. I see all those good people and I find in that the reason to give my all to protect it, their innocence and purity and happiness. When it comes to me, though, I know that their happiness is not for me. I know it's not what I'm made for, not for that beautiful thing they're having.
All the time I've lived has proven that I'm not like the rest. From the way I think and how it makes 100% sense, some people have called me insensitive, cold for just saying what I believe, what makes sense. I'm also an empath. Well, I could get into in more but I'd be straying.
II don't know what's meant to give me happiness without melancholy. I'm not living my life based on the search for love, but I'm thinking about it a lot, though no one knows. You think about having a girlfriend or a boyfriend and you know what you want from them. e.g.: give you flowers, treat you nicely, have certain thoughts about a subject, etc. I don't. I'm not ugly, and I'm a little popular I guess, but not too much. I've rejected enough boys knowing I would not fit with them, knowing if we were in a relationship I'd be lacking the love I'm searching for. Yet, when I think about it I can't put my finger on what I'm actually searching for. I myself am so alien no one ever finds a category to put me in. I'm stranded in between. I can not get out of the house for 3 months and not even miss anyone, it doesn't mean I don't still care about them. I have days when I don't want to talk to anyone, or I can't stand going out everyday because it exhausts me. I'm realistic so some people pick on me for being insensitive. I'm used to it. As I'm meeting people all the time and I've also met many many have called me cold or mean, so I have to keep my deal knowing I'm not. Most know it. Someone even called me 'broken' at one point. I'm not broken, I'm just floating. I would be able to endure a lifetime in hope after death I'll find what I've been feeling the lack of, although after death could just be pitch black and the tears of not having any hope because there would be no future. Actually, taking back what I've just said I would probably still have hope of something good happening. How do I know it? Because I know me. I know I've been suffering for years like this and I won't ever give up. There are too many people out there to whom I feel responsible for. I got all this strength, and there are so many people out there who deserve the world I want to get it for them. I can hold pain for an eternity and I don't pain taking as much pain as possible away from their paths.
This thing has no real purpose I guess, it won't solve my problems. I 've solved many things for many people because they couldn't understand it. When even I can't even understand what I should be searching for there is no way someone else is going to do it. I feel alone for not having ever found someone like me, but I can take it. The only people who don't get along with me are the ones who don't want it. I could take for 6h about nothings. I could talk with anyone about anything they want or just listen to them talking. I've met so many nice people, but I fear if I'd just one of them I'd make a great mistake. I could 'have a nice relationship' with each of them I think, but I don't think I'd ever love them more than I already do when I see people feeling stuff and feeling the need to make the world a better place for them.
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