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Before you read this.. Just know I'm fine now, in a little bit of shock but I'm fine.
Tariel made me smear my arms and face in my own blood.
It's got to be the scaryiest thing that's happened since busstop thing. Basicly, tariel is the voice in my head who tells me to hurt me. I used to cut but I cant now (my parents know and now I'm not allowed a razor) so I bite my gums and force out as much blood as possible. It has made me a little lightheaded before but not dangerously. This time I was doing the "usual" when I just kind of snapped into tariel mode and collected a puddle of blood in my hands and wrote "fuck me" on my arm using it. Then I smeared it all over my arms then used it like blusher on my cheeks.
..then I snapped out of tariels mind game and almost had a panic attack, I was literaly painted in my own blood! (and so was the sink)
So anyway I've cleaned up now and I'm kind of just.. Rocking back and fourth on my bed and writing this.
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I'm sorry tariel torments you so much. It must be so hard to deal with that. I'm glad you're fine. It's horrible this voice keeps telling you to hurt yourself, keep resisting it as much as you can. I'm rooting for you!
I just looked at your last post about tariel and you said that you'd love to get therapy but you don't want to tell anyone about tariel. You said in this post that your parents know you used to cut, so they already know you have mental health problems. You can ask them to let you try therapy without telling them about tariel since they already know about some of your issues. Hopefully they let you try therapy. If they do, you don't have to tell your therapist about tariel right away. Talk to the therapist about your other problems that you are more comfortable talking about. I'm in therapy right now but I haven't been with this therapist for super long so I haven't told them about some of my deeper problems that I don't feel comfortable talking about. I tell them the things I'm comfortable talking about and I get more comfortable at each appointment as I get used to them. Once I'm comfortable enough, I'll tell them about my deeper problems. You can do the same. Talk to them about what you're comfortable talking about, and as you get used to them and trust them more and they know you better, you can start telling them about things you're more hesitant to talk about, like tariel. By the way, you might not find someone who is a good fit right away. The first time I tried therapy, my therapist at the time was definitely not a good fit (it was hard to talk to them, I didn't feel comfortable opening up), even after multiple appointments, so I stopped going to them and tried another therapist. So if you're not comfortable with a therapist, don't feel discouraged, just try another therapist. Of course, when you find one who is a good fit, you still probably aren't going to feel super comfortable talking about things like tariel because that's a tough thing to talk about with anyone. That's okay, just try your best.
I really hope you get help dealing with tariel. I hope this voice stops bothering you. Keep resisting it <3
ReplyHave you told anyone (like a professional)? There's nothing wrong with hearing voices, don't get down on yourself for something you can't control. If you choose to you can try to get help to intervene this
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