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So someone sexually harassed me for years, and straight up cornered me in an attempt to sexually assault me. Luckily, he was never successful. And I recognize I was super lucky, and I shouldn't be so upset about it. He never really did anything to me. Just words. Nothing happened. But I am. I was so scared, and nobody seemed to care.
I haven't thought about it in a long time, but the other day I took a self defense class. Part of the class is teaching you how to get out when you are pinned against the wall. I felt like I was reliving the moment where he had me in that same position. Everything around me that was safe and normal seemed to melt away, and I was that 17 year old girl again.
Since then (two weeks ago), I haven't been able to get him out of my mind. I close my eyes to go to bed and I see his face. When I finally fall asleep I have dreams that I am working with him again. I know I am fine. I know I am safe, but I don't feel fine and safe. I could run at any moment.
Today, somebody came into the store that kind of looked like him, and I had a whole moment. I couldn’t focus. All I could think about is all of the things he said to me, and what he tried to do to me. And I just couldn’t get rid of it. I was pretty much hyperventilating and my heart was pounding. I thought I was going to pass out for a second. I kept telling myself “It’s okay. it's not him. You’re safe. Nobody is going to hurt you.” But I couldn’t get his face out of my mind. And his stupid little song! That thing is probably going to haunt me until the end of my days!
And the whole time I’m panicking I’m just continuing to put things away and walk around the store. I don’t know why I do that, but I always do. I’ll continue like nothing is happening, but I feel like I am going to throw up, or pass out, or die at any moment. Maybe taking a breather for a second would help, but that is the last thing I wasn’t to do. I would rather get lost in work, than in my own panicky thoughts.
So that was really really hard, and nobody even knows it happened. Nobody knows.
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At home play relaxation music, lie down, and while breathing deeply slowly relax all over. Then imagine you are lying down feeling safe, warm and comfortable on a raft drifting along a river while at the same time pushing all other thoughts from your mind. Keep doing this until you feel ready to get up again. Do this whenever you feel unsafe.
Another thing to do as well is to look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself over and over, "He is gone and I am very safe. I know God is with me so I am never alone."
ReplyIt sounds like trauma to me. Even if he didn't succeed in what he planned to do to you, what happened is still traumatic. I am a victim myself and I've found that the best thing to do is to talk about it. Whether it's anonymously online or to a psychologist/therapist. Talking about it makes it easier to accept and move forward in your life. If you don't want to talk about it try writing a letter to that person and burn it. Try writing about the experience and ripping the paper into tiny shreds.
It helps to put your thoughts and feelings onto paper to work through them.
Stay strong, you are going to be okay.
ReplyI’m so sorry :( This is a big trauma , someone cornering you to sexually assault is terrifying. You may have some level of PTSD as trauma often causes the bad event to replay in your mind. This is serious and you deserve support and to reach a feeling of safety again <3
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