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What role did I play in my family's dynamic? In my best times, I can be the doting daughter. At my worst, I am awfully rebellious and reclusive. But, in general, I'm just that kid that wants to get out of this household.
I can't exactly say that my family is toxic, but living here makes me feel drained most times. I just can't agree with their mindset and beliefs and ideologies, all that shit, you know? And I can be an open-minded person too. What do you call people who force those on you? I try to be patient and not complain. But the thing is I can't. I don't want to have to deal with their way of thinking everyday. It gives me a headache and whenever I hear anything stupid that comes out their mouth it makes me just go UHGGGHGGGUGHHUG and shake my head. I really dislike the stereotyping of Asian families and letting it come off as a simple joke because it's not funny anymore. Not to me, at least. It's because of that "stereotype" that there's no sense of sensitivity and empathy within the family. But I'm not speaking for every Asian family. It's just personally. They really know a way to make me feel shitty when I try to open up to them about my inner turmoil.
Plus, they make a big deal and create unnecessary drama and it's troublesome. I already have more than enough share of my own mental drama. It's suffocating.
Maybe I'm just meant to live and manage my life alone. Maybe I just enjoy my own company. They did tell me I'm a person that doesn't wanna get taught. Honestly? It's because I prefer to learn alone and that way I can enjoy the process. I'm reckless, spontaneous, and stubborn like that, I guess. I am strong-willed after all. Maybe it's them who are holding me back from finding my true expression? I don't know. This doesn't make me feel guilty, but I'm not pleased with this feeling either.
Is there a good way to cope with this? I worry I won't survive until after college. And I don't want to have a bad relationship with them either. I just. Can't. DEAL. Anymore. Please help?????
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