Stressed Out

I'm so stressed, I have so much going on. I'm a student pediatric nurse, 20 years old. On the 1st of March I start a new clinical placement in a neonatal intensive care unit and I'm worried I'll see babies die and won't be able to cope. Before this I also have to get a covid vacine since I will be working closely with vulnerable patients.

I have 2 assignments that I need to get done. I haven't even started and I don't know where to start. I'm stressed because I haven't done anything and I'm not doing anything because I'm too stressed.

And to top it all off I've been suffering with problems swallowing for almost 2 years now. There's some issue with my lower esophagus and so I'm on a soft food diet. I've lost a lot of weight because of this and I don't look so healthy.

Next Monday I'm going for some tests to do with it where they'll put a thing up my nose into my esophagus. They have to leave it there for 24 hours. I've been told that they're testing to see if I can have surgery to fix it because if I can't then I won't ever be able to swallow tidy again.

I've never stayed in hospital over night before unless you count night shifts that I've worked. It's a different hospital to what I'm used to because my one doesn't do this kind of test. I know it's not going to be nice and I'm scared. I have so much going on already with my university work and my new placement.

I struggle with my mental health and paranoia. If I have to go have surgery I'll be terrified of being knocked out and that they could do anything to me.... anything.... they could put a bomb in me and I wouldn't know. I know that's not actually possible but I'm a very paranoid person and I'm afraid it could throw me into a spiral. However the other option is to never eat some of my favourite foods ever again.

I'm stressed and I'm scared and I'm not so sure I can cope with all these feelings at the same time. In the next 2 weeks my life could change drastically.... I'm not ready.