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I asked for a sign to end my life, it did, and now I'm fighting against it
3 years ago · 2 · Depression, +3 · Explicit
350
I never had good childhood memories. When skmeone asked me when was my favorite childhood memory, nothing comes up in my mind. Just nothing. Nothing but sadness, fear, and trauma. I experienced a lot of physical and verbal abuse when I was a kid. I remember my parents constantly fighting in the living room. I remember when dad slapped her. Slapped me. Accussing us of things that were too shallow just to cover up the things he had done which is a fucked-up father who cheated on his wife. I even have a half sister coming from the one he knocked up. And she looks just like him. That grin. That shitty grin. So yeah, my childhood was never good because of that asshole.
And he is one of the reasons of why I wanted to kill myself. One out of a hundred reasons. I never truly know what it is to live. I just go with the flow. Go to school, to high school, to college, and after that you work and have a family (which I don't really want one). It is all a cycle. A damn big one cycle. A cycle so boring that most people feel the way that I do. A cycle that lets you do things you don't want to. And a cycle that drives people crazy that it pushes them to end their fucking shitty life.
I'm tired. I'm tired of living. And so I asked for a sign. It was two signs. First, if I had a major mental breakdown this year and second if it is a sign that would make me choose of whether I kill myself or it would haunt me for the rest of my life. And yes, it did came. Never thought it would be so early. So right now. I'm typing this. And a lot of ways have entered my mind of how I could end myself. I will kill myself. I would do any ways on how to do it peacefully - the feeling that I could only achieve when I sleep at night. So yeah, anyways I'm 20 and if I don't come back to this, you already know what happened.
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