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I have been in this relationship for 3 years and 4 months (my first ever relationship), in the beginning I was the nicest person alive towards him he would tell me the craziest stories and I went along with it because I wanted him happy and to support him. (I am 20 and he's 21)
I played the girlfriend role perfectly sending him a text checking up on him and calling him almost every day for hours, supporting him in anything, sending him random paragraphs, telling him I loved him whenever I got the chance, and trying to spend as much time that I could with him.
In the first two weeks together he tried to get me to do things sexually, eventually I gave in because my thought process got to "We are dating and everyone does it right?", he kept pushing until my mindset got to this. It was always handjobs and blowjobs, when he first started making me do it I was always uncomfortable and started biting him out of spite, I told him I wanted to wait until marriage and he started doing that. I forgave him because of my mindset back then, two months into the relationship, December 2017, he put me down for 2 whole weeks saying that I was fat and ugly and that no one else would ever love me like him I took this abuse for 3 days and finally stood my ground I told him I would leave him and find someone that treated me better if he didn't learn to appreciate me. He stopped two days after I gave no reaction or the reaction he wanted, I no longer cried and wanted his validation I was mean towards him and ignored his words.
Recently probably late January or early February he came by to tell me he was getting something to help him with his horniness so he would stop begging me for handjobs and blowjobs. He betrayed my trust immediately because when he had to drop me off back home after coming from the store he parked a street away from my house and begged me to give him a handjob because he "loves" me so much and "can't help himself" I told him no. He then used my curiosity against me he said he was getting me gifts and he'd tell me them if i made him cum. I said no again. He then proceed to get his private out and wrap my hand around it moving it himself, I started doing it absentmindedly while thinking about how much happier I would be to never have to do this again. He had a 10-15 minute timer going because that's how long he wanted me to do it. He kept begging me to suck and lick it so he could remember it when he used the toy I said no, he then moved my head closer to his private and eventually got it in my mouth. I again felt disgusted with myself for letting it happen when I said no repeatedly. He came all over himself and then showed me what he planned on getting me I still do not have the said things. I feel disgusted with myself thinking back to all the time he made me do them things especially in my parents living room under a blanket with my younger brothers in the same room. I hate anything sexual and I hope my future partner may be able to repair the damage this boy has done to me mentally and emotionally.
He changes to this good guy for 6 months and then its back to the same old routine, now its every few weeks.
I think there was a time in the relationship I just stayed for my two younger brothers sake because they adore him, but recently I sat them down and tried explaining to them why if ever i left him why I did.
Our last argument was yesterday, he had called me the night before and I didn't answer because I was trying to sleep it was early (6 pm) but I was exhausted. He called and texted me in the morning again I missed it, this time I was doing schoolwork and had my phone muted, I apologized and let him know immediately after he texted me. He let on that he didn't believe me so I just ignored him because I didn't want to start any start of argument. Later in the night, he called me and immediately asked what I was doing I replied nothing and he said like always. I always tell him I'm doing nothing because sometimes I'm just in a room doing nothing but staring at the wall or the ceiling or because I want to let him know he isn't interrupting anything (there have been times were I am doing house work and he will just stay on the line as a way to try to get me to rush). He then started raising his voice and going on about me being lazy and just sitting on my butt all day. I wasn't in the mood I had a random wave of depression all day and it hit me most during the night so I did give him attitude after he started yelling at me.
He yelled about me not checking up on him this past week, we both live in Texas and the winter storm had hit where we live. I was without power for 5 days and without Internet for 6 or 7 days, my phone was dead for 3 or 4 days. I told him this and he called me a liar, there is nothing I hate more than being called a liar, that makes me mad, he didn't believe me until after I brought it up 4 times again when he screamed at me for not checking on him.
I am a shy person and very private so I tend to stay in "my shell", it's my comfort and he will always bring it up just to yell at me for being in it, I have social anxiety and on and off depression, jerk.
I am at the point were I will leave him if another one of these arguments happen because I am done with him putting me down and blaming his anger afterwards. I hardly speak during them so he raises his voice as a way to get me to agree with him.
Some highlights from yesterday's argument (the thing in parenthesis are my thoughts on it) :
he said
"Life's a joke and you're part of the punchline"
"You always hide in your shell"
"Every time I hear your voice I get riled up and want to hurt you (emotionally at least)"
"Fucking bitch/Total bitch" (he never calls me it unless mad)
"You don't have a sense of personality" (I am actually nice and funny, I have a childlike personality yet I can be mature too)
"You know how to get on people's nerves"
"Why do I even call you"
"What happened to the old you from the way beginning of the relationship" (you happened I changed because of YOU) ( I no longer live my life based on how you want me I am no longer a grouch or depressed all the time I am happy or try to be every day I am the light in my younger brothers lives and you will NEVER take that from me again)
"It's all your fault"
"You're fucking useless"
I still think of every bad thing he's ever said in any argument, because I still love him not as much as I did in the beginning where he was my whole world. I personally believe people are more honest when angry so it hurts when he calls me annoying or a burden.
After the argument subsided I told him that I will leave if this kind of argument happens again because it takes a toll on my mental health, I told him he was abusing me emotionally and mentally whenever he does this and he started arguing that he doesn't. He has severe depression so he laughed when I said I have depression and he said "I've never laughed so hard in my life before you having mental issues". I didn't want to argue so I just said you know what you're right I don't have mental issues. It's not like I had a life before him or anything, I was bullied since 2nd grade to at least my freshman or sophomore year of high school for having vitiligo I went completely white. He makes fun of that too "Why are you so pale oh that's right your skin condition". He made it a competition saying he had way worse than I did, I told him I wasn't trying to cause an argument or competition I was just telling him to let him know he was hurting me by what he says. He defends by saying " I don't do it every day, at least once a month", sometimes it's weeks it used to be 4-6 months between each.
"Oh My God I thought you would be stronger than that, I thought you were bulletproof"
"If I get mad just tell me to tell you so this doesn't happen again"
The resolution of the argument:
I would try to text him how he wants me to to check on him but that it won't be frequently because I was raised to not bother people if they're busy.
I would tell him when he's off to tell me what's wrong instead of arguing (this will cause an argument because I have done this one before)
He still acts like a teenager, an angsty one.
I was just done with arguing that I agreed with whatever he said "mhm, yeah, and yup" I didn't catch the end of the conversation just that he loved me, I didn't say it back I always don't after an argument
I know now that this relationship is toxic and abusive, this is his absolute last chance because I am close to being done with this relationship where he wants it his way or no way, but I would like any insight or advice you may have.
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If you really want this relationship to work you should both go to relationship counselling, and you should see a therapist to work through your hatred of sex.
ReplyI’m like so much younger right, but like if I were you in that position I’d go. Never force yourself to do things you don’t like. You’ll find someone better a relationship like that is not worth it on the long turn
Reply