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Whispers of Covid-19 where about during the job I had in a leisure centre with my then girlfriend around February last year. We were both season workers and met abroad. Each year we would wait and look forward to going abroad and living our lives in the beautiful campsites with a work hard party hard kind of vibe. Both working and living as holiday representatives. The best and worse times of my life. She was a bit of a wild drinker and partier. Would become very loud and rude when drunk. During the 2020 season we got offered the job the go abroad and work in France. We felt so lucky as a lot of our season friends didn’t get the offer and opportunity. Went there ready to start work five days later got sent home for lockdown. Spent three months smoking dope (as she loved to smoke dope) painting her parents fences and doing a little artsy fartsy paintings in her old Wendy house. We did this for three months. Cleaning the grandparents houses as both grandparents were conjoined to the main house. Of course we got paid for all of this. We then got told we can come out and prepare the campsites as me as a team leader and my girlfriend wasn’t offered a job but they guaranteed within a few weeks she would have a job. We traveled there by car but unbeknownst to me when we arrived receiving my contract I had the role as site manager. This put a great amount of pressure on me as I had never had a managerial role before and didn’t feel I had the training for it but I pushed all that aside and dived right into the role and worked my arse off trying to achieve good results. During the first three weeks my girlfriend was extremely unhappy as she didn’t have a job and would lie around all day smoking dope and giving me a bit of a hard time whenever I wanted to work. Rewind back before we came abroad and we had worked in an onion factory for three days it was a horrible job which I didn’t enjoy and We had a big argument before we came abroad which lead to her grabbing me and throwing me around in the car and slamming the breaks on coming off a roundabout. I don’t believe I pushed her to do this. I just said my piece and told her I wanted her to just open the car door and I’d walk home from there as I was sick of they way she would speak to me sometimes. I suppose I just snapped in a way. I still believe it was due to smoking a fuck load of dope then going to eight straight hours of elasticting spring onions haha. The smell was just unbearable. Skip back to being abroad we then had a big fight where she said she felt awful for not having a job and feels the company just used her to drive me out and left her in the shadows. I went ahead telling her she has to be patient as she will have a job soon but by this time I was fed up of the lack of support from her as I was stressed from the job role. Looking back now maybe I should’ve been more supportive towards her and considerate of how she felt but I was so focused on my new job role and opportunity. Before we move on I think I should tell you the season before this she was less receptionist and I was part of the cleaning crew/holiday rep so she would be part of management meetings and so on. I supported her in this role and knew she would be great at it. So when it was my turn for an opportunity I just expected the support. After three weeks she got a job as cleaning crew/holiday rep which is the role I had the year before. I could tell she wasn’t pleased with this as she wanted a lead reception role. Things were going well for the first month or so as I was giving her more of a receptionist role and she had more control of the phone and customer issues. My area manager then informed me we would need to give all the staff an opportunity to have the phone and deal with customers issues. The problems seemed to start from their. I just felt she wasn’t happy and things felt more bitter and I could feel the atmosphere becoming like a pressure cooker. I was having one day off a week and was on call constantly to staff when they needed me. She was on the look out for buying dope as she was a big smoker but obviously as site manager I couldn’t condone smoking on site or god forbid staff knowing we did it. I just felt that was the professional thing to do. One night she went down and smoked with the staff. I just felt this was a real disrespect towards me. Now if anything were to happen they could throw her under the bus and it puts me in an awkward position. She was a really bad drunk and these campsite jobs are filled with drinking games and socialising surrounded by alcohol. A few stressful things occurred like a mobile home set on fire and a man had a epileptic fit and his wife found out he had a brain tumour. I was begging to to feel like the site was cursed. Looking back now I do believe I had a break down. Then one day I was trying to cope with high demands from customers being sent to our site left right and centre and having to have the accommodation ready and prepared with very little staff and I had my girlfriend calling me a lot more than needed for advise on what to do for customers even though in this field she had more experience than me. I just feel she was trying to make it difficult for me as punishment perhaps. I called her over to our mobile home and before I opened my mouth she said “you’re going to break up with me aren’t you” I’m not even sure I said yes before she leapt up and walked away. She then rang my area manager saying if broken up with her and to this day I’m not sure what else she said but I guarantee it wasn’t pleasant. I then had to spend the next week with her as she begged me not to send her too another campsite. I agreed and we stayed in the mobile home for a week before I agreed to driving home with her as she didn’t want to travel alone. During the time at home I helped my mum and dad move house and then got chatting to my manager. I then went to see her for a week in France and things happened. This was only a month or so after breaking it off with my almost three year girlfriend. I did feel riddled with guilt and have no idea what lead me to do this. I felt it best to just cut all ties with my ex as I didn’t want to cause anyone anymore pain than I knew I had done. She met up with me and tried to explain that she hated herself so didn’t treat me right because of this.
I told her I felt she didn’t love me or even like me a lot of the time. She would be a big huge bubbly character in-front of people but when it was me and her she seemed cold and distant a lot of the time. But now 6 months on during this time I’ve had such bad days. It’s been lockdown for 2 months and I’ve had huge anxieties about life and love and if I’ll ever find anyone ever again. The thought of loving someone again just doesn’t seem possible. This weekend I messaged her just too see how work and so on is. This wasn’t an attempt to salvage anything as I know now we just weren’t meant to be and weren’t compatible. She then told me she’s in a relationship with another girl and we shouldn’t message out of respect for her. I’d had a few gins by this time so I messaged back saying I would never love someone the way I loved her and I wish her well and wish nothing but happiness for the both of them and I then deleted and blocked her number. I know I ended the relationship and didn’t wait even a few months before getting in bed with someone but it did hurt. In some ways it was a relief as I now know she isn’t my responsibility to look after as when we where together a lot of the time that was my role. Either her being drunk or her struggling with her mental health. I was very very protective of her. I knew she had her demons and would always try and brighten peoples day. I loved that about her but for a lot of our relationship I felt like she wasn’t attracted to me and didn’t love me like she did in the first six months of our relationship. I really struggle in my mind wether or not I was the problem or maybe I am a psycho. I do get jealous and a bit over protective but I felt she enjoyed the protective side of me. She’s now moved on with a new partner and is starting a meeting career as support for kids with mental health and I’m stuck in a shitty job as a cleaner now living back at home again with mum and dad. We lived with her parents when we were together in a big house with a huge garden. I love my mum and dad and they look after me. Which is Great. I just can’t help but feel during the relationship I dealt with a lot of shit from her and from her drinking and smoking weed and other stuff and I broke it off and she’s come out the end of it a lot better off than me. I know you shouldn’t compare but I’ve not had much of an easy life and I just want to be loved and find someone who treats me well and with respect in an okay job. Fuck it I’ll even take a shitty job it I could go home to someone I loved and they loved Me. Please whoever can be arsed to read this entire thing give me some feedback and if you have any questions to get more of a perspective I’ll give it. I’m a bit mentally better than I have been in the last few months. I’ve never been all about mental health only until these last 6-7 months. I don’t know how people cope with it years after years.
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