I am sorry. I am not the little boy that you truly loved.

We could be in love, got married, and live a better life. However, this little boy had to sacrifice his childhood innocents, dream, and lifestyle to survive in a hostile environment within his own family circle.

The first time I met you in elementary school. Your smile, your feminist style and personality, and your enjoying childhood activities with you. I felt your heart and love energy. I knew we could take it to next level in friendship. I was ready to explore in life and love you.

Now. Here where I had to stop showing love and sacrifice my childhood. This started when my mother decided to bring the stepfather into my life. He was an evil man behind the smile. I told my mother. He was okay. But, she didn't take me seriously or see the signs. Once he came into my life and family. It has been hell for the last 20+ years. Enduring the emotional and physical from his attacks. Disconnect from reality and learned to be a bad person. I can not be a child around him. He sees it as a nuisance to his personal space. The sad part when I told my family, my mother, and even his family. What did to me. They ignore me or see me as a bratty kid.

That's where I didn't trust anyone and never show true love. After my mother knew his behavior and what did he do to me. She denied it and ignore it. I hid this pain and problems until my second year or third year of college. I didn't tell you or didn't bring it up to you. Because of embarrassment, cultural influences, fear of losing the family and be taken away. Also, I when to the service to be away from my stepfather, and the family. At the cause of my mental and physical health. This added more problems and pain to my struggling soul. I did receive help on the way. But, a little too late.

Also, you are not the only girl who feels the same way. There a few girls in middle school, high school, vocation school, and my first year in college.

As I am finishing this last paragraph. I knew their women out there truly love me for who I am. But, I was a damaged man who his inner child(little boy) into the darkness to survive at the time. Now. I feel a little better to love again.

To all women who truly loved me in past. If you still loved me or want to know how I am doing? I am doing okay. Recovering from emotional scars, repairing my heart, and maturing on the way. I have about 4 years to be in a relationship. Before I decided to be single forever or get a job with no contact or no time to be in a relationship. Now. I still think about the women I could be in a relationship with or had fun times with them. The little boy is coming out dark to enjoyed life again.