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I once thought that being kind, helping those in need, wanting to stand out, and making other people happy was the way people will be able to accept me. That they'll see me as someone important and won't leave me, but I soon realized that it wasn't all about that. I was too naive about the world around me and focus on other people too much to satisfy my own happiness. That I never did follow what's inside my heart all along resulting for me to become someone who is the total opposite of me before. I just wanted to be accepted, to be treasured, even just a little kindness and attention would do. It hurts so badly 'cause I'm so stupid that I always sacrifice for others and in return It'll just leave my scars and nightmares. I tried to fight for want I want, to ask just for a little favor, a little bit of happiness, but no one listened. My family, my friends, and especially, myself, became so distant that it was too hard for me to ever reach them anymore. I don't know myself anymore, I'm completely drained, It hurts so much, I feel empty every day, I couldn't make any expression, and I'm always irritated. I did the best I can but all I receive is backlash, accusations, rude comments... I pity those people who try to bring me back to the ways I was once before. I pity them 'cause I'm not the person they're looking for. I pity them for how they look at me with those eyes, trying to tell me that 'why aren't you doing your job properly? ' 'Why are you so ignorant? ' 'Do you know what will happen I you don't do your job properly?'
My mother heard that I was depressed when the school staffs came into our house, but the night before that... " depressed , depressed? tskk! jhkhg-" When I was a child, I would always look for my mother until just this year, I realized things. I love her, but sometimes, I ask myself " do you have to be so cruel?
I don't know what will happen to me anymore, but I'll try my best to live even though I can't feel anything anymore. The emptiness inside my heart wasn't a joke. I could clearly feel it. My voice, my eyes, my expression, it was all damn neutral and cold. It felt so uncomfortable to know and understand everything but I can't do anything to change it 'cause I don't control my body anymore. My emotions, were no longer with me. Just call me walking dead if you must. I've gone through so many things in life that I became so exhausted to the point It was too hard for me to care. I'll be with this side of me for a while until I find a way to cure this empty feeling I have inside. I felt sorry for them sometimes and sorry for myself 'cause I know something bad might really happen If I continue being like this. It hurts so much that It feels too hard to breathe. I hope the people I hurt because of what happened to me will forgive me one day. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I'll try to endure this pain just for a little while for them for me to graduate.
It's killing me everyday, but I hope there would be someone who will be able to help me out of this darkness someday. Sometimes, it's better to take a step back and calm yourself down. To rest for a little bit and be selfish sometimes. To not ask for happiness to other people, attention, and such. They might not understand you for now, but sometimes you have to take a risk to find yourself once again. Always protect yourself around people and cherish yourself more. Love yourself first before anyone else. Don't be someone you're not, don't always sacrifice, and choose your battles well. There are still so many lessons you'll learn from my story and it's not yet the end. For those who Is in a difficult situation right now, keep fighting, and don't be like me. Thank you and 'till next time.
-KVA
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You are such great person 😇 god bless you dear. I hope your life will be happy and joyful 😇😇😇 stay strong 🌹
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