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Dear Paternal DNA Donor.
How was your life. Was it all you wanted. Was it Better with out me.
Did you think of how your absence would affect my life or did you even care.
Unwanted.
You refused to Sign My Birth Certificate. do you know how difficult it made it to get a passport and DL with out having to answer multiple questions.
You showed up a few times I guess when I was younger but I only remember 2 times myself before I was 5.
So You didn't want me. Just decided that you life would be better Without me.
So how does an unwanted child deal with certain problems. well
Spiritually
It was hard to trust and see God as a heavenly father who loved me. Your Earthly Farther is to mirror the relationship with the Heavenly father. And you know this, You are a preacher!! Well you set a good example there. So I went through a long phase believing God didn't really care about me and my prayers didn't get answered because I did matter. See you went on to have 4 other kids who got to experience a fathers presence. Did I not deserve the same? Translates to Hard to pray when you see others get their blessing and prayers answered do I not deserve the same?
Or was it just better with ME.
Relationships
Fear that the guy would not stick around, Like you.
Fear that guys don't really want to be with me....Like you
After Failed relationships I'm scared to trust. Its hard to believe that Someone actually wants to be with me.
They want the benefits of a relationship but...without ME.
Life
I don't fit in. I also grew up an only child. So I learned to be alone and thrive with out much support. Never expecting to be accepted. I wanted to be accepted but why would they. Probably be better off without me.
When asked about you, I just said you were dead. And I never had to explain anything after that.
I became the Independent Woman that doesn't need anyone. Tackling and accomplishing goals. Going on cool Adventures. Making a name for myself. Living my best life. the I hear, you want to see me. Why? I'm almost 40 years old and NOW you want to see me. To do what, apologize?... Explain yourself? You want to be a part of my life now?
Your absence made me who I am today. Everything I thought i was missing I learned form and learn to be that for myself. And I'm proud of the woman I am, and becoming.
So maybe it was a blessing in disguise, and My Life was better Without You!
-The sperm that won.
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I can understand from both perspectives. Granted, back then and even to today to some degree it was a theme for fathers to bolt once pregnancy came about.
The only real question is if you know all the details. I won't assume to know but for you it is far more important. Maybe he was the one who chose to leave, maybe he wasn't.
However, you are not unlovable. Not by any means. I can understand the struggles you've had to endure and I can empathize with you.
From your perspective, men have only wanted the benefits of a relationship you say. So I'm imagining you've had guys who just wanted the sex and nothing else.
If that is the case, I can tell you right now that not every guy is like that. Sex is great, sure. But have you ever tried making love? Connecting to someone on an emotional level and being vulnerable?
I can imagine you've built up some walls around yourself and I'd understand why too, it's not hard to see how everything has affected you and your life.
Though I will be one soul who is grateful that you were able to find some growth in it all. To take the garbage situation and turn it into something you could build from and achieve.
That's something I can say I admire about you. Not everyone would do as such. Your ability to build in the face of adversity is your strength, though it often leaves one feeling cold.
The desire for a true connection obviously hasn't left you. I'm keenly aware of how much pain that causes, especially in later life.
You're not alone by any means. But you are strong and I hope you can see that and truly celebrate your successes in life.
The real question being, what do you want? Do you want to allow your father in? Do you desire answers?
In terms of what you want from a relationship, it's the same question. What do you want? Do you want someone who can affectionately acknowledge you in some way that hasn't been provided yet? Maybe you feel like no one has even bothered to see you as you are?
What is it that you want?
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