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Warning: I talk about suicide and self harm and schizophrenia.
I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately. It’s not like i had a really bad week and suicide comes into mind.
It’s just frequently thinking about. Like in school and the teacher is talking I’m just staring at her and thinking how she would react if I died.
Would anyone in my school care if I died? Or committed suicide? Or if I was declared insane and carted off to a mental hospital? Would people joke about it?
I’m not very popular and people have bullied me sometimes, but would they care if I died? It’s not like anyone cares much right now, but would they if I died?
I like the idea of being capable of murder. Like if someone is annoying me I think, oh what would it be like if I strangled you? Would you respect me then? Would you dare?
HELL NO BC I CAN KILL YOU. SO THE ONLY REASON U RESPECT ME IS OUT OF FEAR.
Then there’s torture.
Sometimes, I think, if I could have this own bubble of space and time where I could make anything, become God, I would get someone that bullied me, strap them to a chair and, it does sound so beastly when I say it out loud, torture them. Make them hurt. And when they try and snitch, nobody believed them.
I also like the idea of craziness. I kinda feel like if I had schizophrenia or something nobody would question me or make fun of me. They’ll try to help me instead. Or it just gives reason to my thoughts.
Hey I’m schizophrenic, I think these thoughts, pretty much.
I also have this group of 4 friends, pearl Greta Nia and cat who I feel like I don’t quite fit in with. Like, they’re the group I fit in most, but I feel shunned. They are great people, funny and kind and role models and smart and kind, but hey! I’m the annoying follower! Haha make way for the dumbo!
I just really want to give reason to my thoughts. Or to let them out.
I’m pretty sure I don’t really want to murder anyone. But I want to be respected. That’s all pretty much, I just want respect.
Is there anything wrong with my thoughts? Is there any help you can give me? I’m sorry for bothering you, I just feel like it’s overwhelming me. I’m embarrassed to talk in class and just want it to be let out, but in a good way.
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You can make others respect you by respecting yourself . You know everyone thinks about craziness and ect. It’s ok to feel negatively about people who had bullied you but imagine, they have the same thoughts or even worse, who knows they struggle more. Maybe they fell into some void some emotional state that make them bully others and are unable to think.
You’re good person. You’ll reach your goals and say your words in this world .
But forgive the people who made you feel that way.
Relax
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