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I am scared. I am scared that what I did recently will result to something I will forever, 'till my very last breath, will regret on doing- I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. This wasn't the first time; I've gone through it before, and I'm scared luck won't be on my side the second time around. Both occasions wasn't consensual. Although I ended up falling into the temptation on both occasions, and being on the stage wherein my curiosity is peeking should not be a reason for me to continue those shameful acts. Where I live, abortion is illegal. Birth controls are available but in the general view, people finds it immoral and disgusting, in somewhat I agree in a way. I am very young, I haven't even reached the age of consent yet. What I remember that night, I was hanging out with someone I barely knew. He promised he wouldn't do anything but in the end, I gave up my body to someone I couldn't even trust anymore. Before he entered in me, I asked if he had a protection- before he answered, he inserted it before I gave him permission. He said "don't worry, I'm experienced". I forced him to stop and wear a condom, I even was willing to buy one for him but he continued thrusting in me like he didn't hear a thing. Even if he came outside, premature semen can possibly impregnant a woman, and I'm scared I might become a victim of it. What’s more depressing, after we did the deed, he didn't bother acknowledging me. After I got dressed, he drove me home, 3 blocks away without a word, and drove away. He never contacted me again, and the only thing I remember he was above the age of consent and his car's plate number. I felt dirty and wrong, to the point I punch my own belly that hopefully I can spare whatever is growing in me a life full of eyes of disappointment and sadness. I couldn't confirm I am pregnant yet since I am waiting for my period to come, I'll be taking a test soon since I am supposed to expect my menstrual flow this week. I just want the days to come by as soon as possible so I don't had to feel miserable and anxious on the idea "What if I am pregnant". I am the bread winner of the family. If it happens, not only I would break their hearts but also break the promise I made with them, a promise I would become successful one day. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Everyday, I physically examine myself if there are any signs I might be or not be pregnant. I've read articles, read my books, even asking people anonymously but whether you are pregnant in the first few weeks or having your period soon, they both share the same or similar symptoms. I don't keep track my period, and last time I had one was last February, either the second to the last or the fourth week of that month. I want to talk about this with someone but I'm too scared to even admit I am no longer a virgin. I don't know who to talk with or who will relate to my situation. I'm still young, and I don't know what to do. I'm miserable as the days goes by, and I just want to cry and cry but I couldn't because I'm also afraid they'll realized I'm in pain. What do I do? I haven't even gone to college yet and I'm already ruining my own life, I know I am just assuming things but the thought about it might be true. I wanted a family to myself someday but the idea on having one in an age I couldn't even feed myself without a father to copilot with the child is too much pressure and stress, I myself is still a child, and I dont want to ruin someone's life if they get to live a forced lifestyle like this one. I hate myself for agreeing to go with him. I hate myself falling for men like him. I hate everything I've done and I will hate everything else if that truth becomes a reality. What do I do?
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Dear whoever is reading this, This is the letter I imagine myself writing, I wish I was brave enough to, but I rather wallow in my own pity party, that´s how...
First I pray and hope you are NOT pregnant. And second, STOP doing this to yourself!!!!! Second time is enough scare. Do not forget this fear, stress, uneasiness and nervousness you are feeling. Remember it ALWAYS and the next time you feel yourself falling prey for these men. By your description of him, he won't even acknowledge having sex with you let alone taking care of the baby.
And for the rest of your life, never settle..if you didn't want it fight for it!! Scream, get him off you or anything if it doesn't go your way. He didn't talk to you after his intentions were it shouldn't matter to you what he thinks of you if you say NO.
PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
ReplyRecognizing that what happened was wrong is the first step to success. You have already achieved that. I wish non of this had ever happened to you. I pray for you, but you must pray for yourself too. Regardless of your religion, sit in safety & solitude and pray to referring to "the highest power of All" (you're situation is not easy, you will need all the help you can get from the Highest authority). Cry and complain in that prayer so that it relieves the burden over your heart. You will be heard, helped and forgiven by the Highest power's will. No doubt the Most High cares about you and put it in my heart to feel for you too. I wish you all the best dear.
ReplyI'm so sorry this has happened to you, please do not blame yourself for the actions of this awful man.
ReplyI lost my virginity with a random guy i didn't even know. The family stress and mental pressures were so increasing that i didn't know what to do. While having sex with that guy, i felt like a ghost giving up my body. I quit in between and told him to leave. I cried for a week.
Its been 2 weeks since that incident. What worries me most is that I haven't got my period yet. It was due some days ago. I never have irregular periods so this is starting to freak me out. I have my exams in next 15 days and I'm not even 18 yet.....
I don't know what to do. If any of my relatives or parents get to know about this i won't be myself again. My mom will abandon me.
P.S. i'm a patient of clinical depression and anxiety who was cut off from therapy by her parents....... i'm in real need of therapy now.... life has become a mess....
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