My Unsent Letter

I've already written 5 or 6 letters to you, i keep all of them in my private notes on my phone. But today I'm not here to talk about the way you make me feel, about the feeling of being abandoned, mistreated, used.

I want to express how i imagined being together would look like. You know, me coming to your waterpolo matches and you coming to my swimming races, having dinner together and looking at the stars from your balcony, like we did after you broke your ankle playing basketball barefoot.

The truth is that I'm not your person, there's someone else by your side and even if we share the same name, we are never gonna be the same person.

It's not easy to accept, after sharing all that time together, cuddling on the sand, splashing each other through the waves, sharing my granny's pasta with you, listening to your physics lessons in my backyard, being driven to practice late because your dog won't stop to play with me, shouting our favourite songs during our late night drives after tournaments, trying to figure out maths homework while drunk, walking in the mud for miles in february...

You choose her, after everything I did for you. Well, I probably should have told you i was feeing something for you instead of encouraging you to come back with your ex. But I probably thought you would have never done something like that.

It's hard to hang out together now, I feel you miles away, we used to have a friendship i can't even describe, you are my person, you have always been.

But I'm late.

I would like to seat on that couch again, feeling your skin touching mine and tell you about what happened since january 1st.

January 5th: my uncle died, we used to spend together half of our summer skiing and playing tennis since i was a child and he was suddenly gone. I didn't go to his funeral, i was quarantined because one of my team mate got covid. I didn't even cry but it hurts, it's the same feeling of cutting your skin open on the rocks and then jump into the ocean. I didn't tell you about, you were too busy I guess, not a text, not a meme on ig, not a call.

January 31st: on his birthday, my other uncle passed away. He was the one going in and out hospitals during this summer, one of my closest relatives. He was recovering form his illness you know? On 26th dec. we went to visit him, he was walking on his own and trying to feed himself without anyone's help. I was really happy about it but I couldn't tell you because we didn't spend nye together. A month later he died, my mom didn't allow me to visit him before he was gone. I couldn't say goodbye, that's exactly what happened with his wife 4 years ago. I cried everything out n the locker room the day after, my eyes were already red and swallowed due to chlorine. Nobody noticed it. I went to visit him with my family the day before his funeral, everyone was crying, the walls were yellow but I couldn't smell the flowers behind the mask. The day of the funeral I kept all of my tears inside, seeing my granny crying definitely broke me. I took Moka out for a walk and I could barely walk back home because my eyes had never been that dry. The funeral was the most unbelievable experience of my life, only one person for bench was allowed. My cousins cried without being allowed to hug each other. You weren't there, I thought of calling you, asking to come, to sit on another chair and just be there. But didn't.

Next week the doctor called my granny saying he was too risky for me living with her, so I packed up my stuff and moved back to my parents' house. The reason was chemo. She started the therapy 3 weeks ago and I was with her, i skipped class and waited in the hospital garden for her to come out. She felt good for the days after, the doctor called me and told me it was okay to live with her because we were both wearing masks and keeping social distancing. The night after the chemo I couldn't close my eyes, I was to scared to hear her walking to the bathroom to throw up, which she luckily didn't. I cried all my silence tear in the pillow and in the morning my eyes were that swallowed that i couldn't see clearly. I don't know what you were during during those days.

A couple of days later Tiffany died. I was at practice, right before leaving the locker room when my brother called me saying he was taking her to the vet because she couldn't stop throwing up. She had internal brain bleeding, it happens completely casually, he decided to put her down, it was the right thing to do but he didn't ask for my opinion. I couldn't say goodbye to my 11 years best friend. I was on pieces. I cried in front of my family for the first time in years. My mom decided to buy another dog for my dad as a birthday surprise but we argued, I din't want another dog.

Then a week later we were having dinner together, i was feeling unconfortable but i don't think you noticed. You were happy, as always. I completely fell in love with your dog and decided to go home and told my mother I was ready to get a new one. But that night I found out my dad is cheating on her, I spied their conversations, heard my mother confronting him, and crying. I didn't want to know what was happening and the reason of their constant arguing. A couple of day after my mom came to me to tell me what was going on asking me to keep quiet. Only god knows how much i wanted to unalive myself in that moment: i didn't want her to talk to me about their marriage: it's none of my business and i'd rather stayed out of their crap. I don't know what they are going to do, I'm just disgusted by my father, I can't treat him properly and my mother is mad at me for this. I mean, what did you expect? Me trying to build a relationship we've never had just finding out he's insulting our family and going out after dinner to meet another woman?

My friends violating quarantine to celebrate their birthdays without inviting me but posting the whole party on their story is something i'm not even mad about anymore. I'm just mad because they do not deserve to be seen as good people, they've always been breaking the law and this bothers me.

That's pretty much I think, school is killing my will to live and i can't rest. I just want to tell you i really need you, hope to meet you saturday morning. We're not having a talk but you deserve to know I'm on the verge of collapse.

I'm so glad you will never read this letter, it makes me look pathetic and exaggerate. I may be in love with you but I'm not telling you until you break up. She doesn't deserve to be treated the way you did to me, pushing me away as soon as you could fuck another girl. You'r my person and I'm disgusted because of it, i know i deserve better but in every good thing you have/are/say i know you would complete me. I'm just disgusted by the other side.