What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
A long story, but still isn't the whole story....I loved him still....
3 years ago · 0 · death, +2
460
I recently found out my ex-boyfriend passed away. I always expected this day...he used to tell me he wasn't going to make it to 40. He was 36. I've been with my current husband for 14 years (5 married)...but I've always continued to think of my ex just about every day.
I loved him, so much, I was his first girlfriend. His first real romantic relationship, and we were friends before we started dating. We had a lot of the same interests, we found it easy to talk to one another. He had darkness, and I think that was some of the reason I was pulled to him, plus I thought he was one of the most attractive guys I had ever seen.
I think we were doomed from the beginning, truthfully, we wanted different things in life. I wanted to get married, have (more) children (I currently had 1 child when we were together), and he didn't want those things...he didn't even really want to live together. I had my place, he had his, although I pretty much stayed at his all the time (but we didn't technically live together....I guess). We did pretty much everything together, we would occasionally do things without the other, but we were pretty much joined at the hip if we weren't at work. I loved him you guys....I really did. I wish I could've been what he needed, everything he needed....I just couldn't be....
Remember that darkness I mentioned? His darkness was self-hate and drugs. He thought the world owed him something. Opiates were his drug of choice, there were times I wondered if he would O.D. on me, and how I would handle losing him like that. I tried so hard to show him I loved him so he wouldn't do them, I wanted to be enough...I wasn't, I guess...
After 2 1/2 years, I had to make a decision. I had a daughter to take care of, and give her a better life. I couldn't have her around these drugs (by the way, to be clear, she was never around him when he was on them). He tried to be better, tried staying away from the drugs, but it had a hold. Although, I loved him dearly, I had to let him go...
I knew it was going to be hard, for him and I both, how do you go from spending all your time with someone to not seeing them anymore? How do you leave someone who didn't think they deserved this type of love anyway?! It wasn't easy, he was angry and hurting. I drove out to his place because he wasn't answering his phone (in a crazy thunderstorm), I feared the worst, but found him soaked with rain. He didn't want me there, but I had to know he was ok...(he was kind of ok). I didn't see him for awhile after that...
I met my current husband, he knew. We saw each other again when a mutual friend was going through a divorce. We went out to dinner, our friend, him and I. He rode with our friend, I drove separate. After dinner, our friend left quickly and my ex needed a ride back to his car...I took him. We sat and talked for what seemed like forever...and he said he was glad to see I was still me, that my new relationship didn't change who I was. We decided we had been through so much together in our friendship and relationship there was no way we couldn't be friends. He would come hang out with me occasionally when my husband was away working. He never pressured me, we were just two best friends hanging out again, until I broke the news I was pregnant. He immediately changed, and left my place. I never saw him again, I texted him to see how he was....he said he hated me, and to never talk to him again.....I cried, but I did as he asked.
Through a mutual friend, I found out he had gone deeper into drugs. Now heroin...my heart broke...did I do this to him? Did I push him here? I scanned obituaries all the time, looking for his name. I never saw it...I just prayed that he was out there.
Then on 3/13 my mom texted me that he had passed away on 3/10. I don't know how, but I thought I'd be prepared, you're never prepared....he wanted no services and the graveside service is private. No closure for me, but a broken heart...you see I loved him, oh so very much.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
A dream or nightmare I remember vividly
So one dream/nightmare would be when I had this dream that I was dead. I accidentally killed myself in a street race and well I turned a little too much and som...
-
Cat of Chaos
The ball of yarn that I've kept for many years, has officially unravelled, presenting all my greatest fears. For years I had them bundled, neatly in a ba...