Comfort in despair

Something I'm rather familiar with, many others seem to follow suit. Though it raises the question as to why?

Why do I feel the need to sit and waste? Well, for myself, the thought just remains along the lines of "this is all that's left".

This goes against everything I know to be true, and you know, I make plans, not very complicated and I try to not plan too far ahead.

Though I'm beginning to understand that in order to break through this, I can't make plans. If I make plans, then I have to plan for what happens when those plans fall through, how will I react, what will I do, how will others see me?

And it just lends itself to anxiety and fear and the eventual inevitability of me deciding that it's just better if I simply don't try at all. You get the point.

Yet, I find myself between a rock and a hard place. If I don't plan at all, then I run the risk of making the same past mistakes, living the same cycle over and over again, whilst pleading to the universe for some alternate result. The very definition of insanity.

Ok, so I'm insane. I desire that which I know I'll never have, but I can't stop desiring it. So I have to not make plans, while simultaneously making plans so that when shtf, I'll have a way of salvaging the situation.

In reality, I make myself small, less observable. So as to not draw attention. I do this naturally because of the vast amount of pain I've endured here on this planet.

It's not something I do with intent, it's just an automatic response. So everything about me is out of tune with what people want to see and be involved with. So they don't involve themselves with me, which perpetuates the underlying thoughts behind the narrative that I'll never be acceptable.

So I have to plan in order to say the right things, so the right things, be the right things at the right moment so that people won't look under the hood and see I've lost most my gaskets, my timing belt and half the remaining parts of my overall engine. Metaphorically speaking.

But if I make those plans, I still have to account for what goes wrong and how. It may seem like an insurmountable amount of stress, but that's what it's going to take to get me somewhere near acceptable.

People are judgemental first, this is blatantly obvious. The irony being that I would consider putting up a front, just so I could be close to someone and be able to care for them. So you lie in order to tell the truth later.

People don't want reality, reality is too messy and inconvenient. That's why entertainment exists. A way of escaping reality.

So is it me who is sick here? The one who is fully awake and fully aware? Or are all if these people the ones who are sick in their need to escape this reality?

Understanding the why and how and what, all account towards being able to pass myself off as acceptable. Though the hard argument here is to just be as you are, which I'm sure at least one person will say.

Which isn't a solution to the problem. It adds to the problem. People don't care for the most part, they don't want to care. They just want you to behave like they do and that's all.

In order to do that, you have to take into consideration how you communicate, which needs to be short and sweet (no fillers). How you act, which needs to be beneficial to them but not too beneficial. How you dress, which needs to convey reliability, independence, and sociable. How you move, which has to be set to the tempo otherwise you bring unbalance.

There's a lot to consider when it comes to trying to be accepted by someone, or a group of people, that have no desire nor care to accept anyone beyond those they deem to have qualities that they themselves possess or qualities that are beneficial to their qualities.

It gets very complicated, very quickly. Which is why you need a plan. Because without one, you're just shooting in the dark. Often times hurting someone else and/or yourself in the process.

So I can't just go in with no real plan or strategy. Yet, everything I can come up with isn't foolproof, so backups are necessary so I spend all this time and energy to understand the overall plan and how it will unfold, leaving out anything that would be considered filler.

Have I lost you yet?

Did you click back after reading the first few sentences? Did you look at the fraction of text and say to yourself "nope!"? Are you actually even reading the words with an understanding that there is a conscious entity typing this? That these thoughts are literally the experience of said entity? Have you accounted for how your own perceptions may attribute to misconstruing the underlying theme here? Are you aware that my hand is going numb as I'm typing this?

There's a lot to take into consideration.

Now I'm not expecting to be perfect here, hence backup plans and all. I'm trying to fall within a given parameter of acceptability. I'm not expecting everyone to like me, that's unrealistic. I'm not even expecting people to like me in general, just accept me. Like some sad, mangy dog they found on the side of the highway with no collar.

Sure, love would be nice to find at some point. But for the time being, it's just trying to be acceptable to others and I'm preemptively accepting to any of them. As a show of general compassion, which they'll never know us actually the staunch taste of defeat. Which is why I'm even doing this to begin with.

I'm defeated, I can't beat the machine. So now I must beg and plead and prove I'm ready to be assimilated. So that I may know acceptance and maybe even one day, love.

Still, who here is sick? Is it me? Who is ready and able to love anyone I cross paths with? Or is it them? Who are weary to anyone who falls too far outside their norm?

A very genuine question, I must say.