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I wake up, but keep curled in my blankets as I try to keep from falling asleep again. I hear my little sister start to walk through the halls, knocking on doors, trying to get us up.
She comes into my room, and demands I make her breakfast, so I drag myself down from the top bunk and stumble out to the kitchen with her. I give her food and then pick up my school iPad, examining it, yawning.
I flip through, looking at all my overdue assingments that have started to pile up. I glance over at my ADHD medication, and I huff. I just ignore them and make myself a single Eggo waffle. I eat half of it without toppings. The less I eat, the better I feel.
Instead of doing assingments, I flip through YouTube and Novni and Quotev and other sites that strike my intrests. I look up at the clock and see that it’s 9:05. I’m late for class.
I quickly sign into Zoom, and apologize to my teacher, who doesn’t seem to mind. After class, I sign in to my next class. I neglect my planner, and go straight to break. I again, catch up on things I missed online, eating only a small granola bar with a glass of water.
I hear, “Did you take your medication today?” from my mother. I immediately respond with a lie. “Yeah, of course.” I didn’t take the pills. I don’t like them, and I always avoid them. They make me think bad thoughts, and they make me numb.
My mom nods. “Alright.” Because she thinks that when I have my pills, everything is so much better. Pills control my life.
Third period comes, and my stomach is aching from lack of nutrition. I quickly leave the class and go back to bed, reading through a couple chapter before going to the last class of the day.
After, I sign off, try looking through the cupboards, but finding nothing that I would be willing to eat. I sigh and look through assingments, trying to focus enough to get some done. I get maybe three finished, and I turn them in. I then turn off my iPad, promising myself I’d get the rest done soon. I don’t.
As I’m feeling hungry, tired, and upset, dinner rolls around. And of course, dad’s put tri-tip on the table again. Meat. Out of all the food, it had to be meat. I have told my parents time and time again I don’t want to eat meat (even though I don’t really eat enough period...), but they’ve ignored me.
I cut up my food, put as much as I can in my mouth before excusing myself to go to the bathroom and spitting it back out into the toilet. It looks disgusting, but I’d rather do that than eat the meal.
After dinner I help my siblings with dishes. Then I go to my room and my sister helps me with my crocheting. I’m getting pretty good at it. She offers to go get me ice cream for dessert, but I decline.
I put my project down and look at the clock. 9:05. I’m feeling tired, and so I tell my sister, and she gets into her bed as I turn off the light.
I’m hungry, tired, and empty. But I’m warm in my bed.
I’m happy.
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Why are you starving yourself?
Reply...I’m not exactly sure, really. I’m pretty thin, so it’s not because of that... I guess it is just that I don’t feel like I deserve it? That’s sounds stupid, but I just - don’t get an appetite...and I guess I’ve become addicted to the way my stomach feels when it’s empty...I don’t know-
ReplyI'm not a medication expert but I really think you should take the medicines even if they suck, and please don't starve yourself. Get a lot of sleep, stay healthy, drink water, and please. Take care of yourself
Reply...I try...I’ll try harder. It’s just that my medication makes me feel really subdued and it makes me think of things that I shouldn’t be thinking about...I do get lots of sleep...and I drink water. I will try harder. :)
ReplyI also lie about taking my ADHD meds they just make me less in control of my emotions and I go to a dark place so I just lie to my mom. The only thing I can control in my life is my weight so yeah I also eat very little.. I take my pills when I know that I'm really going to need them or I have the half pills that work for only 4 hours take I take to get my homework done. I balance my week so that I'm not taking them all the time but I've come to accept that feeling like shit on my meds is inescapable and that to get stuff done I have to deal with it. That's just where I'm at right now. Oh here's something I can help with: If you hate eating a certain food put it in scrambled eggs I take one egg and a handful of frozen spinige every morning at it works like a charm. Hang in there sister I'm here with you
ReplyThank you...It’s good to know someone understands.
Eating meat for me makes me feel guilty ever since my mom joked we were going to get “meat chickens” when we move to Texas. (So we’d kill and eat them...)
I’m trying to get better with medication, but it’s really hard to do.
ReplyWow, and they know this and forced you to eat meat? That's not cool...
Reply