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I try everyday, every chance i get to make new relationships with people. But in the end, usually in less than a month, that relationship dies, it just blows up in my face. I mean i try being nice to people, not too nice, just enough hoping to be liked by them, yet i keep my distance so that they don't feel like im smothering them. I try to communicate like my friends and colleges, i try to change myself to other people's liking. But in the end it just blows up in my face. I mean always!!! I can't make friends, i can't even communicate with girls. That combined with my anxiety just creates hell for me. I mean as im typing this right now, two girls that i thought i had good communication with are both ignoring my texts, and I didn't even simp, i swear. It's honestly frustrating because my roomate on the other hand, he gets girls like its nothing, i mean me and him are basically the same person, so i honestly don't understand anymore.
Its just so frustrating. I never go a week without feeling depressed. I know this is nothing compared to what others go through but, that doesnt mean that it hurts any less.
I try not to speak bad about myself but i just feel like such a disappointment to myself and to others. I know that you're probably thinking "why does he care about what other people think" well i tried not to but I just cannot help ot anymore. I've seen it in many peoples eyes. Im just a disappointment. What makes things worse is that, not to brag, but I'm a tall good-looking guy. So according to society, i should be the guy who always has something cool to say, who always has girls around him, ET fuxking C. But im not that guy, i always say or do the wrong things.
I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Nothing ever goes right for me. I just want to disappear. I want to be forgotten. The world doesnt need someone like me. Trust me I've seen it.
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Alright, listen up. This is coming from someone who has dealt with severe depression for nearly 4 decades, understand?
And I want you to read this very loud, very clear. Got it?
Good!
YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR FEELING THESE THINGS!!
If people were to look at you and then look at me? There's not even a question! I am complete and utter trash compared to you.
But this ain't about me, it's about you understanding that yes, it sucks to feel these things and you can sit there across the internet and judge my words if it helps you feel any better.
Though if you want out of this, I suggest you listen, just for a bit.
Yes, communication is hard. Especially when you've got anxiety AND you've got all these preconceived notions of who you're "supposed to be" according to society. So that's already a lot of weight on your shoulders.
Then you've got this comparison between your roommate and yourself to boot and while he's getting all this tail, you're out here struggling to just say hello! So you've got tensions built up of all kinds.
And you wanna know something? You don't have to be vocal about your negative feelings, they can see it even when you don't want them to. It's like a freaking neon sign, trust me I know. I've got one tattooed on my freaking forehead!
Anyway, you're frustrated, you're confused, feeling hurt, left out, a bit hopeless, like you've somehow failed. You've got all thus negativity running around in your mind and what do you do?
You sit there and you fight it, right? You try to ignore it? You tell yourself to just not pay attention, it's just not true. These feelings are wrong, they're bad, you shouldn't be feeling this way. Sound familiar?
Let me tell something to you, I'd be willing to bet you're an amazing guy. I'd put cash money on that. Though you seem to be losing sight of that.
So here's a couple of things you might want to try m'kay?
Start of with some basic meditation. Yes, you're gonna probably feel girly but get over it. The goal of meditation is to become ok with these thoughts and emotions, learn to understand them, why they're there. What aspects do you feel are missing, all that fun stuff.
Next up, self discipline. If you've got a decent level of it, great! Build just a bit more. Remember that self discipline isn't about being hard on yourself. It's about doing what's best for you in every regards.
Also, I'd recommend revisiting these breakups. What things pop out? What was your role? What parts did you do good at? What parts could use some work? Try to see if you can find any overlapping themes.
Also, think about the things that hurt. This will give you insight into what you don't want to experience, outside of the breakups themselves. Whether it be actions or words from their end or yours. Identify the things that were painful and use them to better love yourself.
I'm also going to recommend some self acceptance, it feels like you've been chewing away at this for a few months and could use some sense of compassion towards yourself.
But that's just what lowly, old me thinks you should do. You know? Ain't nobody wanna associate with a grotesque thing like me. Especially when they could have a well mannered, well groomed, well educated man like yourself.
I mean, what chance does a thing like me have against a man like you. You're not hopeless by any means. The hurt is real and it deserves validation. Do these things, beat the demon before you become it. Unlike me. I know you have it in you, you just gotta try a bit harder. I know it's a lot, I get it. But you have got to believe in yourself and love yourself before anyone else can.
That's the best wisdom I can offer you. It's yours to take it refuse.
ReplyGo out with your roommate and watch and listen to the way he communicates with people. You might learn something.
Reply