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Where do I even start? (TW: S3lf h@rm, possible emotional abus3)
3 years ago · 10 · Stressed out, +9
630
I don't know why I do it. It started as a way to keep myself from crying, now I do it whenever I feel an intense wave of anxiety. I hit myself. Not hard, but it still hurts for a second. Once I even scratched myself with a broken pencil to stop my tears from falling. I only do it when I'm by myself as well, nobody else knows.
I don't want to tell my therapist, I know she'll tell my parents. I'm scared of them finding out. I'm too ashamed of how I feel. I try as much as possible to hold in my tears until I'll be by myself for a while.
Any thing loud that comes from a person is aggression to me. I get slightly anxious because I feel like they are mad at me, and when I do something "agressive," I don't want to make someone yell at me. I don't know exactly when it started either. On top of that, I'm scared of my father's footsteps, or anyone's in general. I get so anxious when someone walks by my room, especially when the door is closed, or if I'm trying to write how I feel, or even if I'm watching something weird on the computer. I don't want someone judging my interests, so I hide them. I don't want anyone to yell at me either.
When my father enters a house I just feel the need to hide what I'm doing even more, because I feel like he'll yell at me.
Whenever I make a mistake in front of him, he get's "frustrated" (Which accoring to him, "It's normal to feel that way). Now I feel so useless when I make a small error. Which can lead to self harm again. It's hard to tell when he'll get mad, sometimes he's good, sometimes he's bad. I don't know if my mind is making it seem worse, or if it's a geniune problem. I was going to get tested for mental disorders after all.
I'm far from being legally old enough to move out. But that's okay, I'm scared of living on my own anyways. What if I fail? I'm not the best at being independant and taking care of myself now.
I have bad self grooming, yesterday was the first time in days that I took a shower, tried to dry my hair, brushed my teeth and flossed. I have so many symptoms of depression, but I'm scared that it's not that. So I try not to say it to my therapist, instead I list the symptoms and act like I don't know the connection. I'm good at playing dumb.
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You are very open with this post so it is important that you are just as open with your therapist.
I can tell from your post that you are incredibly anxious so here is something you can do every day to feel calmer. First play relaxation music, then lie down and while breathing deeply begin to slowly relax yourself all over. Go up slowly. Start with your toes, then your feet, then your legs, then hips, middle, chest , back, and then your chest. Now your fingers and thumbs, hands, arms, neck, head, face and jaw. Now that you are fully relaxed and still breathing deeply while listening to the music imagine that you are lying on a thick fluffy cloud feeling peaceful and comfortable and you are drifting over forests, valleys, lakes and all sorts of greenery. While you are doing this push all intruding thoughts away.
When you feel as though you are going to cry tickle the roof of your mouth with your tongue, this is supposed to work. Don't harm yourself.
It is very hard for you to get yourself properly together while you live in fear of your father so it is in your best interest to take steps to move out. So If you haven't already got a job look for one and move out as soon as possible because living with your father keeps you in a toxic situation. If the thought of moving brings on more anxiety talk about this with your therapist. You do need a lot of help so if this therapist is helping please continue with your visits. I wish you all the best.
ReplyI'm not actually legally old enough to get a job, suprisingly, I'm quite young, but I don't feel like it. I do have a lot of money saved up though (from birthdays), and I can try to do my best with school and I can take classes that will help me in the future.
ReplyBe clear to your therapist about everything you're going through and that you do not want your parents to come to know of this. They're here to help you. And they should understand <3. Also it's okay to feel like this and have these bad days, take care of yourself to your ability, keep seeking help, and soon everything will begin to get better <3. I love you okay <3.
ReplyThank you!
Replyi dont want to tell you how you are feeling or what to do. i feel like i could possibly understand sort of what you are going through. i used to hit myself or do things to try stop myself from feeling any emotions. i didnt understand what was going on. i dont know if maybe you could be feeling abit scared to trust anyone due to the ridicule you may experience when you jus try to be yourself or what you think others may want from you?
i never really trusted anyone or my psych. if you arent ready to tell your therapist about that part, could you maybe tell them about not trusting them enough to open up without feeling ashamed or feeling like you are going to get in trouble?
thats if you feel that way. i think its really brave of you for opening up. You have no judgement from me and i think its great you expressing yourself on here
ReplyThank you. <3
ReplyTo be honest with you, if you've expressed symptoms with your therapist, they very likely already know or have theorized that you may be experiencing depression.
I'm not sure about where you live, but it might be possible to request some of that to stay confidential. Though the self harming is worrying.
I've been guilty of punching myself in the face to stop myself from crying. I did that all the way up until my mid 20s honestly. I can relate.
My only question for you is if there is any particular reason you feel you can't express your emotions? Do they just feel too big sometimes? Or are you afraid that people (or your parents) will think less of you for it?
ReplyI probably should've put this in the post, but what I meant by sharing symptoms was that I try to write how I feel (Sadly it's never worked out before so I've never actually told my therapist), but when I do try to write I never even use the term depression so that's why I "play dumb." Oops!
Yes, the reason I'm scared of opening up is either because it's all too confusing and stressful, or the fact that I'm scared of what my parents will say/think. Especially now that I have to do online therapy because Covid.
ReplyHave you given your parents the chance to understand? Or have they given you reason to not be emotionally open? Maybe not so friendly words?
ReplyWell, if I try to think back, I have two very odd memories for both. I think there must have been more, but I can't remember exactly.
When I was around 5 or so, I remember my parents praising my older sister for my drawing. I was jealous, but I atleast tried to tell them how I felt. I remember my mom being angry and saying something along the lines of, "So, you think she doesn't deserve praise?" She didn't do anything like this again, so I still like her better than my Dad.
(Okay so this next memory kinda has some suicidal stuff in it so nobody read if you get triggered by that)
When I was around 9, I remember being very angry. I remember, it was Febuary. I remember screaming, "I can't wait until I die." I don't think I knew the power in those words, I was just angry. I have had suicidal thoughts before, but I don't have them anymore, and I truly want to live. But you would think my family would be worried? The only person worried was my sis, I heard her crying. My mom didn't say anything and my Dad just took my tablet away for making my sister cry.
Reply