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I'm going to try to be more happy. I mean, obviously, but I'm going to actively work to make myself happier. I am not aware of my body, my feelings. I want to become aware of myself, even more I need to become more aware of myself. I heard briefly about the difference between external and internal happiness, and how internal happiness is healthier because you always control it, and you can't rely on external factors to keep you happy. It makes sense. I've heard it before. How do I get there? I think I have to start with external. Of course unconditional happiness is best, but fu I would settle for occasional happiness. And why not? On the bus ride to school today, I payed attention. I put effort into noticing things, and I put effort into appreciating them. Did you know that we're in the time of the season when EVERY flowering bush & tree is blooming? There are pink, white, red trees everywhere. We passed a large bush with BRIGHT yellow flowers. It was gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. I was listening to the album Sun Structures by the Temples. It is a fantastic fantastic album with fantastic music. I put effort into noticing the things I appreciate, and I am glad. At some point in my life I want to be happy without using the little things, but now that I think about it, isn't that really what happiness is about? Partly. Can't that be what happiness is about? I notice the little things and I appreciate them. I can't read my body but I believe they make me happier. I ALLOW them to make me happier. I don't need to be constantly in a good mood, but I can appreciate the little things, and that is good. It has to be good, I know it is good.
Putting effort into it is hardest for me. Putting effort into anything. If it were up to me I would stay home and watch youtube all day. Luckily it's not up to me. But I wish so hard I could do nothing. But I have DONE things before, I have sat down and worked on schoolwork that was so fascinating, and even I could realize that it made me so so much happier then I ever was watching youtube. I thrive on work, but I always forget, and I don't do my work. I am happy when I finish my work, I can feel myself being happy. I love it. I wish I could do nothing, but I love doing work. I just forget. I am so behind on my schoolwork. I missed marching band yesterday. I love marching band. Marching band makes me happy, no doubts about it. I chose to miss marching band and instead I stayed home and watched youtube. That is why I need others to force me to do things, even if I desperately want to do nothing. Someday I WILL be able to make myself do the things I love. I need to. If I can't, I can't live. I can't live doing nothing. Both practically and emotionally.
For now, I will look for the little things I can appreciate.
I love this song that is playing.
I love that I have the earbuds to play them.
I love that I downloaded this playlist so I can listen to it at school (offline)
I love that Felix (not real name) made me this playlist so I could listen to this song today.
I love that I let him.
I love that he cares enough to make me a playlist.
I love that I have this time in the morning to write this.
I love that I found the energy to write this. I needed this. I always had the energy, I just had to look. I have the motivation. I just have to recognize it. I do. I do.
I do.
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