Like Peter Pan, but sadder lol

What happens when you can’t grow up, but keep getting older all the same?

What are you supposed to do when staying in one place makes you selfish, childish, lazy - but driving makes you wildly suicidal, and seeing another person fills you with doubt and irrational but crippling fear? How can someone try to take on responsibilities when they’re not capable of looking after themself? How do you make decisions about life and the future, when every time you think about it you just want it to be over when it’s barely started?

—- sometimes, I don’t hate existing. I know that feeling’s gonna come back some time. It’s just difficult when I know certain situations are gonna put me in a bad place mentally, but I can’t avoid it and there’s no amount of preparation I can do to soften it. Driving is the worst, because it brings thoughts (that are usually quiet) to the front of my mind - ‘now’s your chance, it would be so easy’. Looking at jobs or education or anything involving the future is just exhausting and demoralising. It feels like making promises I can’t keep, that I’ve broken before. Trying to sell something that’s faulty and can’t be fixed, but hasn’t been disposed of yet. I’m too old to be this useless, too young to be so tired. We, people, weren’t meant for this. We evolved for a life that doesn’t exist anymore, and the way the world is set up now...it isn’t meant for all of us. It just feels inescapable, more often than not lately —-