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Growing up my mom told me from the age of 4 that I'm a slut and my dad is a pedophile that has been touching me and I'm already lying when I say my dad didn't touch me.
Because of this I avoided my dad to avoid suspicion from my mom, it was true he never touched me but my mom would never believe me. I've been called a liar, slut, and even bitch by my mother
I was always so strong knowing that this isn't true.
Additionally my God would always be my father figure
But fuck I don't know what a father is...
I don't know how that works, I genuinely believe that no one will ever love me like a family, especially when my family doesn't love me and never have.
All they care about is how they look
So ofc my relationship with God is fucking complicated. I'm still religious but I'm just lost.
I've found myself being attracted to older men but I'm ashamed of it. Seriously who looks at a 40 year old and thinks "yeah I want to show THEM of to my friends" also even though I'm 18 so it's legal but Its common that someone attracted to me at that age is a pedo. Which is strictly against my morals, anyone who hurts children is automatically on my bad side.
I really want someone to care about me
I know my God loves me but I also can't help but feel like I'm missing something, like the encouragement people get from their families.
Then I took to Omegle and found myself talking to this 40 year old divorced man with two kids.
To be clear I'm not sending super sensitive info or nudes
He was super nice, willing to listen to my problems, and had a voice that turned me on in seconds.
In just a few minutes he had me wrapped around his finger, his calming voice and how he would listen if I found anything uncomfortable.
Senioritis has hit hard and I've hardly been studying. I had a test coming up and I told him I was scared and I was going to fail. He half-assed comforted me telling me to be confident but that somehow made the difference. I actually studied and when I took the test and it wasn't as bad as my friend said it was. That was life changing, I had a good chance of not failing a test I studied for last minute.
And the thing is I know he's playing me, I know he want me just to jack off but I don't care
My mind thinks back to think what if my mom is right and I am a slut?
But I really like talking to this guy, he's been flaky and hasn't texted me often and if freaking kills me.
I don't think I want to date this guy but it's be nice to be friends.
My heart jolts at his notification but I have an internal conflict
I don't want to need anyone
I don't want to need a daddy
But fuck I kinda want one
But I don't want to fucking marry a guy old enough to be my dad. I prefer to marry a woman anyway.
My feelings of the present and who I want to be are in conflict
And idk what to do.
Basically I'll try to talk to this guy as long as possible or until I get bored. But again I don't want to be with this guy.
But he makes me feel special
But I want to not need that
I want to stay strong as I've always have been.
But at the same time I wish I didn't have to be strong, I wish someone else was strong for me
I wish someone cared for me like family.
I love my friends more than anything but they can't be my family
Id be too much of a burden to them. I can't do that they mean the world to me.
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