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I recently committed to a college. thinking about the process up to it and the decision in the days before revealed something to me. Did i even want to go to college at all? I realized I spent so much of my life trying to end it that I had no plans for the future and I never would have thought I would make it this far nor do I have motivation to make it further. I applied to stem, civil engineering and had a plan for astrophysics but looking back on it i don't even know if i want to go to stem or just chose it as an interest to please my parents. I have no idea what civil engineering really is nor do I want to major in it but my dad said I should put it so i did. I feel directionless in life and without a purpose as a whole. I cant even think of an alternative life instead of going to college like hanging out w friends or wasting my life away some way because I don't even have the drive to continue living. I think i just want to end my life. why am i still alive
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