why cant i appreciate anything? i just need to talk to someone please :/

I think i am the most ungrateful person i have ever met.

I seem to think im the most important person ever. Some background information about me is that im empty almost numb and extremely sad/depressed but i dont want to self - diagnose but i cant go to the doctor because i dont want other people to treat me differently just cuz i might be depressed.

I always think why cant people just ask me for once how i am doing because im struggling a lot and i dont have a single person to talk to. Because in my head i desperately want someone to check on me but i know that im doing myself more harm than good by waiting for someone to ask me instead of asking someone for help. I feel that im doing it for attention so people can see im not happy. i think i just want people to think about my feelings for once, because somehow people think its nice to make passing comments that hurt about my body, my face, my hobbies. But what makes me so mad is that i have everything i could ask for. i have a big house, food, pool, safe neighborhood, in other terms i consider my family rich while there people that have bigger problems than me. People have to constantly worry whether they can pay their bills, have enough money for food and education. But here i am projecting myself as the most hurting person to my head. People have worse trauma than me which involve abuse so why do i feel like i have it so bad. Yes im terribly homesick, yes i dont like the ideology of life, yes my parents are in a mentally abusive relationship, yes i get fat shamed constantly, yes i'm not smart nor pretty, yes i want to desperately die. But i have it so much better than most people. Why cant i just be thankful for that. So i think i have come up with a solution for myself, if i am sad i need to keep it to myself because people have it way worse than me. The few hints i drop every now and then begging for help, i will stop and i have to live life as it is and try not to commit su*cide. I do not want people to be affected because i was selfish and wanted to kill myself because i was too lazy for life. For once i have to think about others as well. I dont need to put more on my mom considering everything she goes through already. Will this make me a better person and slightly happier if i bottle everything up?