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I am a bastard, an illegitimate child. My father was married to another woman before he met my mom and they "fell in love." My mom also had a boyfriend at that time, but she then fell out of love with that guy and chose my dad, but because he was already married, they could not really live together.
Despite his marriage and my mom's knowledge about it, she still continued the relationship, and then had me (and my brother eight years later). My dad still provided for us as we grew up: helped my mom buy a house, supported us financially (my mom had her own job), and were there during the important days like birthdays, graduations, etc.
My dad, however, would not always be around. Whenever he was home, he could only stay for a day - most of the time even less a day. I recall many nights getting into bed, and some hours later wake up to hearing his car rev up and drive away. I was always told that he had work to do and to understand him with his busy-ness. I didn't know any better.
I think it was in my early 20s that my mom decided to quit her job and try her luck abroad, and from then on, my dad came home less frequently - perhaps once a month or even less than that. He'd come home only to help us buy groceries and give the monthly budget, but as soon as we came back to the house and unload the groceries, he'd drive off again. He would not go down his car. I would count between two fingers the times he actually came home to rest or sleep for a few hours before we went off for our errands with him.
By my early adult years, I already had my suspicions. I first thought that he had another woman, and I had a younger sibling somewhere out there. It was only when my mom came home from abroad (after around two decades working there) and seeing me and my brother that we discovered that WE were the "other" family. Some of the memories I had as a child then clicked and made sense.
I had an older brother and an older sister with my dad's wife. My mom even said that there may have been another family aside from us, so that younger sibling theory is still out there.
My love for my parents is not gone, but I'm sadly disappointed in both of them. First for my dad, who couldn't keep his pants zipped up and work on his marriage. If he had problems with his wife, he should've made the effort to fix or it at least end the marriage. He hurt a lot of people just because he listened to his dick more. He hurt his wife and disregarded his marital vows. He hurt my mom. He hurt us, his kids, for bringing us into this world and dealing with the consequences his shit action caused us. Secondly, I'm disappointed with my mom. She knew he was already married but still continued the relationship with the false hope that he'd get a divorce and marry her, but he didn't. That was the real reason why my mom left and went abroad - the fact that he couldn't marry her was something she couldn't deal with and was compelled to leave to work on her emotions, leaving us and my brother to manage the household ourselves.
What I'm sharing is just based on what I went thru and what I've reflected on. I may be mistaken in some perspectives or I could be wrong in this whole thing, but my entire life has been strongly influenced by the fact that I (and my brother) was "kept" like a dirty little secret. That someone out there hated my mom for what happened and, by proxy, me for merely existing. I have this picture in my head that some stranger one day would come up to me and shoot me in the face all because I was the product of an illicit affair.
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What to do?
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Don't think badly of yourself because none of this is your fault. There may have been an illicit affair but it wasn't of your doing. No one will shoot you in the face. Just make the best of your life and tell your brother the same thing.
ReplyYou’re not a b____ okay seriously I bet you’re great man
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