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I wish you could feel everything you’ve made me feel. And that is a torture I don’t wish on anyone. I forgive you but I hate you. My heart is broken because of you but still breaks for you. I don’t want you to feel pain. But you still deserve it. I want you to experience, just for a day, the hell you claim you didn’t put me through. I wish you where terrified to go to sleep because of the demons you know will find you. I wish that as you slept you felt the hands of a thousand monsters touch you while you scream in horror begging them to stop and praying for an escape. Even death would be better. I wish that as you woke up, sweating and gasping for air you remember that the nightmare doesn’t end just because your eyes are open. That today, just like every day before, you have to carry the weight of all the shame and pain that you’ve been carrying ever since you where a child. I hope you feel the pressure knowing that every day you don’t speak up is another chance that someone else will get hurt and will be stuck in this eternal hell. I hope as you get out of bed to take a shower the irrational fear that someone is watching you waiting for the moment to strike and take the last bit of life you cling to away. I hope that as you get into the shower you’ll feel the air being sucked out of your lungs and feel the world spinning around you. I hope you feel the hopeless that smashes into as you realize that you can’t even shower without feeling as though your world is ending. I hope you hear every insult your fragmented mind will hurl at you. That when you go to eat breakfast you just hear the words “I’d love you even more if you were skinny” and decide you’d rather throw up again instead of eating. That when you finally force yourself to go out with friends you feel like an outsider watching someone else’s life. I want to see you when the reality that you don’t remember how to laugh hits full force. That moment when someone says something and instantly you’re transported to a moment in time and you again have to relive one of the worst moments of your life. That you see people’s stares and pitying eyes while you gasp for air trying to escape but as always, you are unable to. I hope you feel all of that and everything else I feel every day. And after that I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that “it’s no big deal.” And yet, as much as I want that, I understand that no one deserves to feel this. Not even you.
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It sounds like your cursing me 😅
But i hope that made you feel better ( typing that all down) :)
Just remember to keep pushing yourself and you will get what you want i know it and i believe in you :)
ReplyLol I love your user name. I’m definitely not cursing you this was meant for my brother. I did make me feel a bit better getting it off my chest. And thank you. It’s good to know someone does
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