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So I am not going to elaborate and write my emotions here. I am going to write it as short as possible but giving a proper insight.
As I have mentioned in the title, I have screwed my life. I am 24 years old and I have a long way to go but still I have screwed my life. People may tell that I have a long way to go and I do agree but for now I have screwed my life so much that it will take a long time to come out of it and I am all alone in it.
The first thing is my insecurity. I am fat, short (5'3"), and not so charming. I am shy in nature and I cannot talk to people easily. I try to talk but come off to strong and needy due to which I lose them and it hurts.
I am a single parent child and I have only my mother. She has gone through a lot of mental abuse by my so called father and her relations. Because I am a single father child, I also have developed several mental issues which I have no clue of and it haunts me everyday.
During the covid times, I was literally alone "alone", meaning I did not have anybody around me and my mental health deteriorated. I have anxiety issues, depression and insomnia. I am insecure about myself and I am needy. I stay alone, I am shy, an introvert. I am broke and I do not have money. I am an international student and I stay far away from my mom.
I have got a job, but I hate it. I do not like it because I am new to this and the job has high expectations from me. I don't have a clue what is happening at the job and it is almost one month and I have not even started to work in the mainstream.
I had a girlfriend who loved me a lot. I did not understand her love because of a few things she did to me but she loved me a lot. I rejected her and now I am so alone. THIS IS CALLED THEE EFFECT OF KARMA.
You hurt someone, karma gives it back to you. Now she is happy in relationship with her new boyfriend and I am devastated. Moreover, she calls me now and then and tells me how she is doing in her relationship. I, being alone, receive her calls and talk to her and get hurt even more.
I want to buy an insurance but because I have mental health issue, it is a pre-diagnosed condition, so it costs more to treat. The insurance people told me that it is a pre-existing condition and I have to pay a lot more to get a premium which will cost me a hell lot of money. And being broke, the only thing which I can do is try to overcome it alone.
I am unable to overcome it alone, which is causing trouble to focus on my job and my performance. Because of which my stress levels are increasing and it is causing anxiety and overthinking. With my previous mental condition called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (magical thinking) this is totally bad. I feel guilty that I was not responsible and did not take proper decisions in life. So now I am forced to suffer mentally, physically, financially, ethically and morally.
I do not know what to do but I want to hurt myself. I don't think that is a good idea but I want to punish myself so that I will understand and be responsible in future.
P.S. The only reason to write my story here is that I wanted to let things out and feel relaxed. But I don't think it will help
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pls dont hurt yourself. stay strong
ReplyPlease do not hurt yourself, punishing and hurting yourself. I can’t imagine how painful this is for you, but I would like to try to understand. Please know that what you are feeling right now is not a permanent feeling and this is not how it is going to be forever. Focus on getting through the day rather than focusing on the future. I hope that you will God will give you the strength that you need , please know that you are beautiful, loved and adored. You are an independent young parent as it is not easy to balance life but you are doing it. You will get through this love. Please stay strong and each time you have a thought to cut yourself, stop, listen to some motivational videos and pray to God, he listens, and know that you have beautiful kid and be strong for the both of you. Sending you love and hugs.
ReplyHi
I am a 24 year old. I am sing and not married and nor I have a kid. Thant being cleared, let me explain my situation.
I have no more tolerance for my situation. I want to hurt myself for a reason and that is I find it painful and for some reason I want pain. Maybe to get away from reality in the pain and at least for a while I will be in that physical pain and forget the mental pain.
Coming to praying, I am struggling with religious OCD. Which is called scrupulosity or magical thinking. I am so struggling with it that I am unable to concentrate on my job and day by day I am screwing up my life even more.
Financially I am in a very bad phase also. I do not have an insurance which makes it difficult to get over this. I recently learned that many insurance companies treat mental illnesses as a pre-existing conditions and charge a premium for it. So I am really scared of purchasing an insurance as well.
I was in an intimate relationship and now I am single, alone and depressed. With this, my ex girlfriend calls me now and then. Even I like to talk to her but somehow the intimate romantic topics arise and I get all crazy. I get so crazy that I get panic attacks and I get so worked up that my head starts to hurt. And from here starts a big cycle of getting back to life which takes usually a month. and this has been happening from past one year.
I feel guilty that I am not so intelligent, I am not so handsome or good looking etc... (One of my insecurities because I am too conscious about my body), I did not work hard and now I am unable to take care of my mom in this situation, I lost a nice girl for being stupid and foolish, I am so negative in life that any situation I take it only in a negative way. I have given high BP to my mother by spreading my negativity. And now I am so useless that I am unable to focus on my work. I procrastinate everyday and I don't know what am I even doing in life.
ReplyBe like an eagle, stay focused always.
When you feel like the odds are against you, remember the challenges you overcame in the past and be inspired to forge ahead.
Don’t be afraid to stand alone. Don’t be pressured to fit in. Think outside the box. Soar!
The only constant in life is change. Weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning. You will smile again.
Always be on the alert for opportunities. They abound in unexpected places. Never waste a moment to prove what you are capable of.
There’s a possibility of falling at one point or the other. When a fall happens, the important thing is to get back up again and as fast as possible.
One day you will look back and all your efforts would have been worth it.
ReplyRight now I'm so tired of my life. I'm so miserable right now. I want my ex back in my life. I want happiness in my life and I want to sleep peacefully thinking that everything is fine at least for one day without being tortured by the emotions which I face in my head
ReplyI do understand that you feel miserable and i think things would get better when you try to see the positive parts in each day, firstly by being grateful you woke up this morning, the gratefulness will lead to receiving good news and things getting better eventually. As for the part you want your ex back, they say everything happens for reason and you must believe it, if she is really the one, you both will find your way back to each other, if she is happy in her relationship, then you have to slowly let it go. You need to take the time to invest in learning how to love yourself again even if you think it is silly. Recognize that you will love someone else this much again. You have to stop catching yourself living in the past. Please accept the truth and be thankful for the experiences, focus on what can be changed, realise that not everything in life is meant to be modified or perfectly understood. Live, let go and learn what you can, dont waste energy worrying about the things you cant change. Focus on today, you can decide right now that negative experiences from your past will not predict your future . It is easy to count our troubles rather than our blessings, but such an attitude undermines our ability to draw from the good and that we have been given and to see our lives fundamentally as a gift. We learn through experience that we can both succeed and recover from failure.
Steps that you can take:
1. Make a plan ( if you had a job and you do not like this, try slowly adjusting to what they want you to do, do not give up the job because in the current economic situation, people are losing jobs and be grateful that you have a job, change the mindset that you dont like it as you new, it takes time to adjust and give yourself time, take it one day at a time, you will get better at it, trust me. you can do this!)
- make a plan, tell yourself and repeat this everyday without fail, I AM GETTING BETTER AT MY JOB, MY BOSS LOVES ME AND I AM PERFORMING VERY WELL, I HAVE AN AMAZING GIRLFRIEND, I AM CONFIDENT, I AM GETTING FINANCIALLY STABLE. repeat this everyday without fail and believe it when saying it, IT WILL COME TRUST ME.
- Know that you are not alone.
- Have a positive mindset.
- Do not give up
ReplyI will try my best to follow the what you said.
Thank you so much
This really fills me with some positivity
ReplySending you love and hugs and hope you are doing well.
Reply