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People who’ve thought about it for a few years will know what I’m about to say.
Suicide is a perfectly sane solution to all your problems for those who have suicidal thoughts. The people that don’t, just see it as a cry for attention or help, or just as a crazy thing to do.
Looking from the outside you might think that the person who thinks about killing themselves or a person who killed themselves, is trying to find a way out of problems, instead of facing them. This is a very wrong idea of what suicide is.
In my (suicidal) head, it is a very rational decision, made after a long period of thought. It’s not a way out of my problems, but just the only way I can think of to face my problems. Sounds kinda crazy but there’s logic to it. I’ve contemplated taking my own life for the past 12 years (give or take a few months) and haven’t done it yet. The people who surround me are keeping me alive cause in my head, all I can think about when I’m close to doing it, is what they’ll feel like after. “Maybe I could have done this or done that....” That’s not a burden I’d like to unload on them.
I’m way off what I wanted to say. If you’ve been suicidal for years, you realize that there are periods when you’re not talking to yourself at night in your head, not pushing the bad thoughts to come out. Those, often short, periods of time are what a person like me would call being happy. It’s not that something good happened... Not a new girl... Not a better job... I just don’t have the need to feel bad for being alive. My mind isn’t pacing. My thoughts aren’t pushing me to the edge. I’m happy.
Yesterday, I started feeling like I was drifting back to my worst days. Back when every second thought was how it’s going to be easier for everyone when I “leave”. This feeling, this process of our mind, that makes us feel like we’re drifting into a bad place and we can do nothing about it... That’s what makes me feel like doing it even more. Because I know, whatever happens, I’ll always come back to this dark place. I’ll always hate myself. I’ll always feel like I’m burdening people. I’ll always feel like I deserve nothing. I’ll always KNOW that everyone and everything would be better without me.
On my birthday 11 days ago, it was my one year anniversary of not cutting myself. I was proud of myself. Too bad I messed that up too... After so many years of slicing my legs, I stopped for a year but couldn’t do without it. Feels like it’s all someone like me deserves.
I’m out.
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