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I like this therapist, though I can tell there will be times where I am going to hate her and there'll be times when she's gonna hate me. But that's reality, recovery isn't an easy ride. If it were, no one would need a therapist. But I can feel it, though. Because I can be honest about myself and my condition. Most therapists think the role is to listen or sympathize but very few will sit there and say "ok, I understand but I'm also not going to sit here and enable your failure just because you want to feel bad about your life".
Now see, that right there, that's a real therapist. Because that's what I need, I need someone who can understand that yes, this is going to be fucking hard for me but also won't let me just sit and isolate. You know, they're going to push you to go out of that comfort zone instead of just jotting down notes and never going anywhere.
I can sit here and say that this is the perfect challenge for me, because I already know there's going to be times when I fall off and sympathy isn't going to get me back on track. In fact it would do the opposite, it would be more harmful. Because then it's just another excuse and that's not something I need. I already have excuses for every day, I don't need more of them.
That's how this goes, you know. It's no excuses, no exceptions with a bit of understanding and guidance. Tough love, as one might say. So my goal right now is to not miss anymore sessions, because I've missed quite a few in the recent past.
This can be a good thing if I don't make it more complicated than it already is. It can be a good thing if I allow it to be. Maybe even get life back together and maybe find some way of enjoying life and then being able to share that with someone else.
You know, finding the ability to love me and then using that to love someone else. Because I don't want to be lonely but I also don't want to rely on someone else to provide that love for me. I want to be able to carry my own weight and that way I'm not being something I'm not. That's where this all goes.
Though that means I have to have patience and the willingness to do the small stuff to build up to that. That's how I know this is a good therapist. Because she knows that too.
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