What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I am really getting tired of this shit and losing my patience. I mean what to do if your family only consists of outright shitty people? What if your brother is a hateful mean jealous bastard innately? And, what if your loser parents favor him over you? You, that hurt noone, the over-achiver, the kind one, the helpful one, the one that suffered the most, the one that has been obstructed, the one that has been very unlucky indeed.
There is no reason to deny this, I have been living with the kind of people that I would avoid in public, that I wouldn't engage with in normal situations. I cannot say they are my worst enemy, they are not that big, they are pathetic at most, and I don't believe in enemies. I have no vocabulary for that kind of thing. I only know mean people exist, like my brother. And, they attract each other, and good ones repell them. I think they see something unattainable on me. The kindness, love; they think these are unattainable for them. They are jealous of every achivement I made, because if they achieved them instead of me, they know that their ego would be pampered so well. They think I'm an idiot because I'm not boastful, because I am modest, because I am down to earth. I know what I want, I know who I am, I know the country that I'm living so well, I know their people, they are like my family, my unfamiliar family.
I really want to go. I know I need money for that. I know I need to clean the "lack mentality" my family carved on mu psyche since childhood. I know I need to get rid of this enmity, this bullying I faced towards me. I don't even care about these things so much, because I never knew anything else, and that meanness was uninteresting, unreasonable, something that I cannot relate to.
I need to turn to my self, just like I always did. After all who else I have? I have noone. Never had anyone.
I remember my reading of books and magazines growing up. I needed them because my life lacked in spice dangerously. I was reading National Geographic, as if to expand my horizons from this horrible home, from this terrible country. I never dreamed a life here, I would be terrified that I would become like these people. I wouldn't want to live like that.
All of my expansions were with books, magazines, music, documentaries, and then films. My family, my friends, my school life had nothing in my evoloution. Except for the wounds of course. I feel restricted, limited, blocked. I need to work these things out. Because they are not of me. I am something else. I have always been something else. I want return to my expansive loving self. This is curicial. I should go back to being what I have always been. I cannot be like them. I am not nurtured by darkness, I am killed by it. This darkness around me, I know I need to be the light for it to dissapear. I may not have any physical helpers, but I have light beings who help me and I'm grateful for that. Because there is noone that understands, noone else to talk to, noone else that posseses tge light of the wisdom and the love of the heart.
Comments have been disabled by the author
More Posts
-
What about when my family is dead to me?
Mom. I've known my hatred for her as long as I can remember. Today she told me (top of my class, straight A, four sport athlete, involved in almost all availab...
-
A Letter to Myself (Sort of)
(This started off as a poetry exercise in school, where we had to write a letter to our past selves. But I started ranting and don't really know how to explain...