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I’m so tired. Just when I think things are going so well, everything just comes crashing down and I feel myself slip away into the endless darkness of my own head with endless possibilities and thoughts of what I am willing to do to myself to make the pain go away. And when I’m just about to snap. Ready to let go. Ready to give in to the darkness no matter how stupid and irrational it might be. Ready to give up. Something happens that gets my hopes up. I hate when my hopes get up. I hate being hopeful no matter how much I long for happiness and normalcy. I hate getting my hopes up all the time just to be let down because one again I wasn’t enough. I was never enough. I am not enough. I’ll never be enough. Past, present, future I will always let down and I will always BE let down. I’m being pulled into the light and the dark at the same time but I won’t break. The bad outweighs the good and the good outweighs the bad but it’s never even. I can never have it even. It’s all a knotted mess. Sometimes I can feel my lungs being filled with a breath of fresh air that I long for all the time. But the next moment every time I breathe it feels like pins and needles shoving their way into every nook and cranny of my lungs and my chest feels like it’s being crushed. I’m so exhausted. I wanna close my eyes but every time i do they get yanked back open. I don’t know what to do. Help me.
Please.
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This sounds like you raise your hopes way too high and you can't possibly reach whatever it is that you hope for. At times the good and bad do outweigh each other and this is part of the equilibrium that we experience in life.
Things seem to be too much for you so rest whenever you can without too much thinking. A good way to do this is to play relaxation music, lie down, breathe deeply, relax yourself all over and listen to the music. Whenever thoughts come into your head push them away.
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