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I was doing good before. I feel like a different person these days. No energy, no humor, barely talking, making some kinda "mhmmmm" noise when responding to my family. I feel too down to speak words out loud. I feel too down to move. I barely can focus on even watching videos. I could be better tomorrow, or completely worse. But, I am not gonna try to pretend I am fine. Last time I tried to do that years ago, it literally messed up my physical health.
I think I'm about to write a lot of things, so feel free to stop reading if you're not up to it.
Ah, yes my physical health. While outside factors definitely contributed to my past problems (iow parasites that literally went undetected for years at a young age), my mental health made everything worse. Yeah, and I was 13 back then when the health issues began. 19 now, and kinda recovered, but I have dealt with some anxiety around food and all social situations involving food because of the way the parasites have hurt me. Also, I do still have a weak stomach.
Me at 13-16. Oh man, I was a mental wreck. Basically suicidal from the lack of nutrition in my body, and the guilt that I was unwell and causing everyone else to be sad and worry. Not to mention the amount of money my parents spent on me. The guilt came from hearing them argue and worry about money. They would fight, and I would just want to kill myself because I was the one causing the main problem. And I was a developing teen, not able to sleep until 5 AM cause of the pain, not being able to eat enough to stay a normal weight, starting to love my underweight body, starting to fear food, starting to be obsessed about my weight, starting to love starving because I wanted to die anyway. I had over 6 ways to die planned out. I once wanted to die so bad, and was in so much pain that I punched a wall instead cause that was better than killing myself. There's still a dent there today....
But, all the physical and mental pain, if I ever spoke about it a little, those words never scratched the surface of anything I deeply felt. I had to keep a brave face and smile so people wouldn't just feel bad for me all the time. They already felt bad enough. I couldn't cry to anyone. Then my mom would cry, then my siblings would be heart broken. I cried alone for four hours straight once because of the pain, and I couldn't sleep anyway, and I was just so broken, scared of myself, and trying to heal myself, but constantly failing.
It was the day one of my family friends tried to commit suicide that I decided I would never ever kill myself no matter how awful I felt. My brain was also better nourished at the time, so I could think clearer. And, you know, I realize that for me, knowing someone you love is trying to kill themselves, is worse than wanting to die yourself. Crying the tears while feeling like your soul is falling into the deepest pit is how it feels to know someone else is hurting so much that they want to end their life. And it's so emotionally painful, it turns physical, you feel sick. I, now don't know why I felt so much like ending my life was a good solution. I must have been going crazy those years. When you're in a lot of pain, you're not stable. That was me.
I still get these days, where I look back, and I feel sad. I feel sad that I didn't know what I do now about life. How could I have ever thought anyone's life would be better if I died? In a way, the older me wants to go back and take care of the younger me, but that's simply impossible, and probably sounds strange. I just feel like I didn't care about myself enough back then to talk about my pain, and I thought that it would hurt people too much or be burdensome if I did. But, there has to be a balance. I probably still have more trouble talking about things to family and friends than what would be considered normal. But, at least I am getting better. And I realize it is something I need, I am not just some person that can always keep to themselves while remaining healthy like I thought in the past. That's why, places like this where I can just write are helpful. I have healed a lot from writing things here.
Even now, I am feeling a bit better. I didn't even know some of these things were bothering me so much until I just spilled everything out. Well, wow you made it to the end. I am amazed :)
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Hello, yes I made it to the end, and guess what it wasn't a burden, I really got interested in what you was saying, it makes sense, I am so glad you can find a place to let out your thoughts, we are here to listen or read your inner thoughts, keep on the road of joyfulness, start by writing a journal of what you can do when get to a low point. Get a plant watch it thrive by taking care of it, snake plant is a great start you only have to water it once a month , and just talk to it daily. They can grow without sun too. Try this it will give you something to worry a little about. Hope is on the way, pray too. :)
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