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I don't know how much longer I can exist on vapors.
2 years ago · 1
306
You know that old saying "fake it until you make it"? What if you just can't fake it anymore? What if the act of faking it is making you seriously doubt your own self worth, because you keep comparing yourself to the fake smile you put on every day?
For the last 6 years my life has been pure hell. Something happened 6 years ago that utterly broke me. Before that I used to be a strong person, and I thought that strength would come back if I just pretended it never left. But no, that's being dishonest. Imagine if you lose a leg, and you try to fool yourself into thinking you can still win a marathon. There comes a point where faking it will only deepen the disappointment you feel in yourself. And I'm at that point.
So you'd probably think I should just be myself, even if that means frowning all the time (smiles literally require a painful effort these days). But then what's the point? What's the point of being myself, if I don't like who that is?
I think I've reached the end of the line. Well, nobody can fault me for not trying. I lived a false existence for 6 years waiting for a miracle, or even just a break from the nonstop hell. But it only gets worse every day.
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What is it that gets worse every day?
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