Back again

i havent posted in awhile,

its still as bad as before but i have been dealing with it differently. Other than cutting or smoking i have started to talk to him, emotionally it kills me knowing he will never love me the way i love him, just using me for attention and time. But, right now, i am okay with that. He doesnt need me and ideally i shouldnt need him.

She still loves him too, i cant let her know how much i love him. She calls me and messages me trying to see how i am but i cant let her know how much i miss him and how much time i had planned on investing in him.

We had plans to move out at 18, have out first child at 19 and he's stay at home until he was 22 and join the army. I would be able to raise our child while getting a university education and after his deployment we could try again and have our own family. We would move out of England and start again, happily. Away from all the toxicity and pain we both have suffered in the last few years.

But, on out break. Our little time away. She met him and took him from me and it hurt more than anything ive ever been through. After three years of crying myself to sleep, throwing up everyday and night. I finally became numb to the emptiness and pain i was suffering with when it came down to him. Our happiness and laughter was taken from me without any warning,