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Family is everything to me, and yet, it's also nothing.
My mother and I are really close, we can tell each other anything. My sister is an amazing person, who always has my back. My father... doesn't.
Honestly, he never really was there for me. Of course, this is also my fault, since a relationship of any kind has two people in it. I'm the one who broke off contact.
My parents have been divorced since I can remember. I used to go to him every other weekend when I was still young, and I'd really enjoy it.
But then he met my stepmother. I never liked her. Looking back now, I didn't really have any reason to, other than her being the exact opposite of me. I was quiet, she was loud. I was shy, she was confident. But back then I just didn't like her.
They decided to move out of my hometown, even though my parents had promised that they'd wait till I was 18. It felt like betrayal. I didn't have my own room there, which he also promised us. It just didn't feel like home. So I came there less and less, until I never spent a night there again.
After that, any time I saw him would be when we went to dinner, or lunch. Vacations were spent without me. It felt like I had to do all the work and our bond changed from father-daughter to something more like friends, so I decided to stop.
Since I'm the one who broke off contact, I shouldn't feel this way, but I still miss him sometimes. Maybe not really him, but more the idea of a father, someone who I can talk to about computers, or go rock climbing with. Someone who I can depend on and is always there for me.
Unfortunately, I know that my father will never be that someone.
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Please don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. It sounds like you had it quite rough and dealing with divorce and broken promises from your parents as a child is super hard. I suppose everyone wants a father figure and it's heartbreaking when parents aren't able to provide the love and care they should be providing. Please just know, that it's okay to feel conflicted or irritated in that kind of situation. You and your feelings are okay and valid! :)
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