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i went to a therapist hoping to hear something was wrong with me. i’m a liar, i told her. i can’t stop lying. but then i started lying to her too.
a couple days ago, i counted how many times a day i thought about him. i stopped counting at twenty because i am lying to myself too. i couldn’t bear to know the pathetic, embarrassing and uncomfortable time i spend thinking about him and the day that he will not only not belong to me, but be someone else’s. i love him and it’s breaking me.
is that a lie too?
because i think about another boy - at least half as much as i think of him. whoever loves me back first i’ll take, i tell god. i beg god for love.
it is either that i love too easily or i don’t know how to love. god nobody knows what a liar i am. maybe i should have been counting how many lies a tell a day, but i couldn’t bear to know.
i feel empty all the time. nobody makes me happy anymore - maybe except him. but i don’t even know him like that really, do i?
why did i tell my parents that i’m friends with people i’m not? why did i tell new friends about old friends that don’t exist with no prompting?
why did i lie? why am i starving myself?
i’m starving myself so maybe he can get over my ugly face and see my body instead and love me back (doesn’t matter if i love him or not). i lie to my parents so they think i’m loved.
but i don’t know if i’m chasing love or playing a game. what am i going to do with his love? it’s going to be conditional. i have people who love me unconditionally and i don’t know how to speak to them without lying because i care most about how they see me.
god that’s so fucked up. half the stories i’ve told my mom are made up. why did i lie! why did i make up fake cousins, siblings and friends? fake illnesses?? i’m insane i’m insane i’m insane
i’m so tired i’m so lonely i’m so sad i’m so tired
what’s the point of hoping things will get better when i’m the problem? when i’m the lying, manipulating villain incapable of love but obsessed with the illusion of it? is there a treatment for being an evil liar? a drug for a bad personality? i hope weight loss is a side effect.
maybe i should email back my therapist.
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if you really feel bad how evil can you be?
Reply"It wasn't lies, Jenny, it was acting." -Neville Sinclair in "Rocketeer"
I do something similar, an edited version of myself that abbreviates the mannerisms of getting the job done pleasantly when I am having challenges in my life affect me. Being careful with what is disclosed is prudent. You may choose the life you want, and relationships happen when they are ready. I met my one, and it felt safe, familiar, and natural being with them from our first few hours together; 3 years and counting. You are growing as a person, and I am proud of you. Take your time, and remember we love you *hug* 💖
Replylying is a habit. you fall into it, it doesn’t make you evil. being aware id the first step. best of luck
ReplyThis is literally me. I lie all the time to my friends my family everyone around me. I don't know why. Maybe it's a habit.
ReplyAre you sure you really want to know why you lie so frequently? One person touched on the head of it, but the reasons go so much deeper despite how shallow they seem.
Let's take a step back from the picture you've painted for a moment. What do you see? What I see is someone who is needing validation most, acceptance would be yet another. Which makes me question whether you're being honest when you say you've got people who love you unconditionally.
However, those little sell up lies, they don't make you "evil" as others have pointed out. There's a reason you're doing it.
I think a lot of the problem here stems from your lack of acceptance of yourself. You say you're starving yourself, that you're chasing love with no real intentions of actually giving it. Is that because you refuse so adamantly to give any love to yourself? Because maybe, if someone else feels as bad as you do, you could justify it all in your mind?
You say you've got an ugly face, what makes you say that? I'd be willing to bet your face is perfectly fine. Perhaps you tell these tall tales not to purposefully lie to others, but rather to lie to yourself. Because the feelings of pride and connection are more authentic when you can see the response of others. Using them to fill your lack of self acceptance which gives you that reward of dopamine. It makes you feel good at the moment you're lying, doesn't it? It doesn't feel bad until you've had the time to sit down and look back at your words and your actions. Both of which aren't aligning with your moral compass, which is what feeds into this cycle.
You lie to make yourself feel good, but those lies also end up coming back full steam when you're alone with your thoughts.
Unfortunately, there's only one way to make this stop. You have to make the conscious decision to do the things you know you should do. That means correcting the lies, making amends with anyone who had been hurt by those lies, owning up to your actions for yourself, so your mind will stop beating you senseless when you're alone.
Which lends itself to creating the person you want to be, instead of the person you pretend to be. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but if it what you truly value, it's what you'll do. Maybe you lose friends, maybe family members will have a hard time trusting you. You have to be the one who puts in the effort to mend those bridges. Otherwise whatever you do, whatever medication you take, however long you're in therapy, all of it will be for not.
Of course, maybe you're not ready right now to take those steps. Maybe you're not done because you haven't learned and that's ok. You will eventually and it'll all come out just the same. Whether you make the conscious decision today or 10 years from now.
The only question is how long are you going to keep dragging yourself through the mud? Because you don't deserve that! You deserve to have good and honest connections with people you truly care about, who truly care about you. You deserve those things! Do you understand?
I can't make you do anything, no medication will make it go away. Only you can fix it, or only you can continue it. That's your call, it's your life. But I will tell you right here and right now, you are beautiful. So much more beautiful than you could ever know. Even as much as you hate yourself, it's true. You deserve to feel good about yourself and I hope you'll make decisions and take actions that build in that direction. From one broken soul to another, you are worth it.
Reply