Him

That night, my heart sank as my breathing became shallow. I could no longer sleep. All I could do was stare blankly into the darkness of my room until sunrise. All that time I had spent learning to love myself was for nothing. The house I built for my sanity had collapsed and it felt as if the void that I once filled instantaneously tore open.

Throughout the day I was an empty shell. To others, I seemed cranky, lazy, and apathetic, but on the inside, I was sinking further and further into the depths of my own sadness. I was not just upset about him, but rather, grieving the loss of myself. He who once made me feel worthy was no longer there, so what could I feel other than worthless?

Everything would remind me of him. I could no longer do the things I loved. The art that used to be my safe space became a constant reminder of him. My favorite characters became a reminder of everything I had lost. I could no longer pick up a pencil or paintbrush without thinking of the times I would show him my art before anyone else. Watching movies would remind me of the activities he wanted to do with me. His silky voice would play on repeat in my head. Every time I tried to fight it off, I would fail. My body would tremble as his voice surged throughout it. The more I would let my thoughts marinate in my isolation, the more they would break me.

It hurts to feel this way, but I am afraid to move on. The only thing that scares me more than this feeling, is to not feel at all. I will always remember the good and know that nothing was taken away. What we had merely ended, so all I can do is cherish what was.