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I remember standing at the door about to go home. Not wanting to go home. Home was bad. No place for a kid. Yet I grew up there. In the trenches. But I felt safe in her house. One of the only adults who cared. This evening I was feeling a little strange. I had grown into an angry teenage boy. Frustrated with life. Hateful and pained but seeking love and anything good. Or maybe death. I was a mess of trauma and emotions. I still am, only now I'm a little bit less noticable in my messy way.
But I know PTSD flashbacks and the blocking out of traumatic memories are real. I know it because I experienced them. And the thing that really bugs me about this memory is that I don't remember it after a certain point and that scares me.
Because I remember standing at the door about to go home, and getting very uncomfortable. Because she was asking me about sexual stuff. And I had that feeling in my stomach like something wasn't right. And it made me feel really uncomfortable the more questions she asked me.
She asked me about my experience and if I had had sex with a girl and if I knew how and all of these things. And she said it was because she didn't want me to get some girl pregnant. And this conversation went on and I got more uncomfortable and more defensive and joking-like. But she was one of those adults who had been so good to me. So I kept talking about sex with her even though I didn't want to.
And she kept saying to not trust girls because they want to trap a man by getting pregnant. And I talked about pulling out (which I was too young to have any practical experience with, but porn and safe sex talks in school taught me enough by then.) because I knew about condoms but I was very young and had no idea where to get them or if it was legal to buy them under 18. So I talked about pulling out. And she said something about what would I do if the girl tried to make me get her pregnant. And I dont remember what I said then. But I remember she had also been talking about do you know how to make a woman feel good type bod stuff. And I tried to deflect the conversation I guess. Because I changed the subject and said something like "if I want to make a girl feel really good, I can use my tongue."
And she asked me what I knew about that. And her voice was different and more serious in a way that was kind of scary. And she kept asking about that and I can't remember what happened next. I always thought I just had an awkward conversation and then went home.
But now I'm afraid that maybe something did happen. And I feel a lot of anxiety and fear and shame and confusion over that. It's fundamentally challenging to me to consider that a woman who saved me from my rough home life so often was just... wanting something like sex from me... I can't believe it would have happened. Not her. She was always so good to me. Like always. She was the person who was always there for me when things got real bad at home.
And so there's a sense of shame on me for even thinking it's possible. A sort of pain of cognitive dissonance. Like how dare I even wonder if it could have turned into a sexually molesting scenario? That kind of feeling.
But the truth is that my memory of that night cuts off abruptly. Just like with some other situations that I had blocked out. And I find that deeply troubling.
And then if it did end up being a situation where maybe she showed me how to use my tongue on a woman, for example, like wtf would that even mean? Like I was way underage and very uncomfortable which makes it seem really bad. But if I ended up doing something sexual with a grown woman, as a young boy that's really good, right?
So like even if something kind of sexual happened it's not like rape. It's just an awkward early experience, right?
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See it how you want. If you feel okay believing it was just an early experience go ahead. I wasn't there so I don't know.
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