What are you looking for?
I don't really know tbh I just wanna get out of my head lol
3 days ago · · swearing, · Explicit
I feel weird cause I haven't really wrote about my feelings in a while but I was laying down and realized I was getting into my head and don't want to get too far deep. Plus I'm hoping that me doing this will maybe encourage me to get my fucking shit together lol.
The first thing that prompted me to write was how summer is approaching. I'm getting out of school soon and for the past 5-6yrs now I haven't had a good summer. Like not in the slightest. It's either me laying down for hours a day crying and hurting myself. Recently for the past 2 summers it was arguing with my moms now fiancé... As of today though I notice that it's just numb and quiet. I haven't talked too anyone in months and music, YouTube and my thoughts have been the only thing that has filled my ears along with the occasional conversation with those in my home. The reason why this worries me is because I want to be something. I want to get up and fix my fucking life. It's so depressing to see myself being left behind when I KNOW I have the potential and aching urge to be better. I see everyone moving on as I'm just sitting watching time move so slow but so fast at the same time. I want to fix my body. I'm sick of seeing my physical health decline to weigh in for my mental. Theres never a winner. When I work on myself physically I hurt mentally, when I try to work on myself mentally it comes to the expense of my physical health. It pains me beyond return. I just don't want to stare at a wall. I have been looking for things like apprenticeships, jobs and thing I can just simply do to past my time and get away but since the Pandemic is going on a lot of thing's are obviously online still or are very limited since people are still anxious about opening up. I just wanna get out honestly.
The second thing that has been on my mind is school. Not that I'm struggling as much because I always pull through eventually and get my shit done it's just that I don't think I care about school as much as I always thought I did. I look at my grades now and don't irk and cry when I see them. Fuck I don't even check them anymore unless I know something has been graded just to see if anything has changed. It hurts feeling this way because school was something I grasped onto to distract myself from what was going on around me. But at the same time I'm reaching really far when it comes to my education. I want to study and Major in Biochemistry. I'm balancing multiple AP and honor roll classes while still feeling like a failure. I have achieved so much but still feel like nothing. It's just all so confusing. My heart ached while I was walking up my stairs about a couple weeks ago because I was questioning whether not if I even wanted to go to fucking college anymore. All the hours, tears, numbers and classes just for that thought to cross my mind... Sucks ass to be honest
Next, I mentioned my mom fiancé, they're getting married in August and I have just felt so broken. I only said yes and gave him my blessings because my mom shouldn't have to suffer at the expense of my selfish and malicious actions. I don't like him at all to be honest. So many things have happened that he hasn't even apologized for. The things he has said about me, too me, about my mom, to my mom. I don't know what the fuck she see's in him but I guess she saw something to say yes herself... But ever since this has happened I have felt so fucking detached from my mom and hardly talk too her anymore. Am I mad at her? Of course not, my mom deserves to be happy but I just can't stand seeing her happy with someone who I have found an abundance of flaws in is just so disgusting too me. I can't even stand being in the same room as them both, let alone him. I'm upset that my mom is trying to shove him down my throat and have me accept him as my father. She makes comments like "He's always believed he was your real father" "You need to let him be your father" "You need to do this" and it fucking sucks. That man no matter his status within this family will ever be my father nor will I ever consider him one.
Another thing that has been on my mind that I mentioned earlier was about my body and how I wasn't happy with it. I just need to figure out genuine ways I can maintain a healthy life style while actually getting better and not destroying another part of my life or giving something up at the same time.
Another thing that has been happening is just not talking too anyone. There was this girl. Her name was Olivia. We talked every single day for almost 2-3 months straight. I loved talking too her, we played Minecraft, Roblox, talked and so much more and one day I just shut her out... I stopped answering her calls, text and so much more. She did nothing wrong and I notice that there's so many people trying to contact me... Theres a girl that I haven't talked too in about 3-4 months who even texted me. People who live in different states. I just feel so guilty about it. Theres this girl who I never responded too who I feel so bad for... I just can't bring myself to hold conversations with other people anymore. I know many say "Oh a lot of people have gotten like that due to Quarantine" But this was a re-occurring issue even at the beginning when things first started. The sad thing about it though is although I feel guilty and bad about doing this I notice I'm weirdly happier? Obviously not about my actions but the feeling of not happening to hold conversations. I notice that even with people in real life, the idea of conversing with others is just so tiring and utterly irritating. I have never really liked talking to other people let alone ever really hanging out but I have always been known as the "Social butterfly" So I felt the need to uphold that status. (I don't know if that made any sense lmao). But I like keeping too myself I don't know lol.
This might be the final thing but I'm having a weird phase of hating myself. Like my body but not in the way I described earlier like, my gender and all that shit. One day I'm interested with what I have and the second I'm disgusted and the third I don't want anything. But I have been trying my best to keep it off my mind because I refuse to fall into any crisis anytime soon lol. But I will admit the whole shopping for clothes thing has gone to shambles and shit and I immediately get pissed the hell off or upset when I got to go buy clothes. (Clothes are for weirdos anyway). But fuck I don't know man, at this point I'm just a fucking prick who needs to get their shit together, graduate and get the fuck out of their room into the real world. I think I'll be happier once I leave. Is college nice? Like a lot of people say It's shit but fun lol. But, that's me. Hope y'all are doing good lol