Finding Marbles: Emotional Scars and Impulse (w/DespicableMe)

Imagine this itch, sitting right in your frontal cortex. It's there and through it, everything seems so clear. This thought of desolation and insecurity. It makes you just want to scream, like a primal scream. Then you remember that doing that won't do anything but give you a headache, plus you're afraid someone will hear you, that you'll disturb someone.

Then there's the feeling in the back of the head, at the lower base of your skull, where it meets the spine. This sense of intense urgency. As if whatever you are going to do, it needs to be done NOW. Though it's not enough to just do, there has to be some destruction to accompany it. Because it's just building up and building up, akin to trying to roll a toothpaste tube while the cap is still on. Eventually the pressure is so great that everything just comes bursting out all at once.

Then there's the mid left, upper section of your brain that likes to tell you things. Mean things. Things that make your existence immoral somehow. Where as the upper center right side is the one that says you're ugly, you're stupid, it's hopeless, and the back side of the brain is where those ideas of suicide come from. A tad further in than the one mentioned before. Like someone had driven a nail into your skull and it just sits there, waiting for you to die so it will stop hurting.

Then there's you, the center of the forehead, just behind the skull. Leading directly behind the eyes. This is your conscious self that watches, perhaps it even acts. It's also where you go when you get lost in your memories. Where the consciousness is watching movies of the past, reliving those moments. Sometimes it's not willfully either.

Sometimes it's brought on by an external sensation that is a reminder of those times. That partner who just couldn't be faithful, that best friend who tragically died, that time your parent hit you so hard you actually cried and you meant it.

Somewhere locked away in there is the vision of self. Who you are, who you wish you were and who you think you're capable of being. Yet we find that the mind gets information skewed a lot and can be more heavily focused on fear, survival and escape. Sometimes it's just as easy as doing anything to find some enjoyment in life, so that's what you do. You go out and find things to take it off your mind. Sex, drugs, alcohol (though in my experience this never worked), gambling (the dopamine highs can get super extreme), whatever vice. Maybe you're having a tough moment in time and you convince yourself that you just need that cigarette, or the touch of that other person, or that delicious food you recently came across at the store. Whatever the case may be, whatever the cause. This is where you'll find it.

I distinctly remember reading about where thoughts manifest in the mind some time ago. Though it's been a long time since I've disagreed with what those people had to say. Because I know exactly where they form. I can feel my thoughts inside my head. Like an actual physical sensation. I couldn't describe the sensation to you, best I can say is it feels like a sense of pressure. Like someone lightly pushing their finger down onto your hand. It's very faint but it is there.

We all know there is a physical nature to our thoughts. Thoughts have even been measured in terms of conduit speed and even appear to have mass. Which could explain why certain celestial bodies can effect our psychology. Given that mass is affected by gravity and things like the moon and sun would absolutely have enough gravitational force to actually manipulate that mass, even if only by just a little bit. A little blood in your eye is still blood in your eye.

It's not something that comes clearly by nature, to desire to address the emotions and pain we carry. The immediate instinct is to avoid it at all cost. Though this behavior is the very thing that feeds into the cycle of depression and anxiety.

The answer is counterintuitive and can only come by a conscious decision to pursue and make that change. Having a support network is also highly recommended if possible, as is having a therapist to help address those old wounds and how it impacts your actions.

Because if you can change your words and actions, then you have the upper hand. It's not easy to hold, but it can be done. The process is a step by step process and requires patience. (Something I'll cover later on in more detail).

You could think of it this way. Say you're looking into a mirror and it's filthy and cracked. That doesn't mean that you are inherently filthy and cracked, just the viewpoint.