Self Harm

I am a 13 year old boy who was struggling with self harm on and off since July 2020.The last time I harmed was May this year. Sometimes I feel like I need to cut deeper or do it more and in more places (the only place with scars is my outer right thigh) just to feel like its more valid in a weird way. I know that's fucked up but I don't want this to just be a phase I go through over about a year because it feels like it isnt valid. Almost as if I feel like I'm doing it for attention (which I want to be clear that it is not at all for attention. I hide it I don't want anyone I know irl knowing about it).

I guess its more like I'm doing it for my own attention? Just so I can feel more valid about my own issues. Like "Hey you did this to yourself it means you are ill you're messed up there is work to be done here there is progress to be made you need help" even though for the record I tried to kill myself at 11.

For some reason I feel like every time I vent about something publicly or whatever, its just for attention even though I know its not. Like, I've vented about having suicidal thoughts and onetime I even did a goodbye in a discord server I was in only for things to happen which lead to me not offing myself (it was more of me not having the guts to do it but idk)

I just want to be fucked up. I want to be aware that I am fucked up. I want to feel like I have the right to feel the way I do. I want there to be a reason. I want to be sure that there is something wrong with me and that I'm not just emotional and overdramatic and weak