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I'm all alone again. I've been alone too much. It's getting to me again. All of those thoughts are coming back. I feel like the bus rides listening to music encourages them. My music is so happy sounding. I love happy songs. But I'm not happy and listening to them makes me want to cry. Suddenly I can't stop thinking about slitting my wrists and watching the blood pour out. This isn't even how I'd chose to go but it's the metaphor that applies I think. I can just sit there and run my finger up my wrist and imagine how it feels. Last time I was here, last time I would ride the bus like this. That time I tried to kill myself. I took more than enough paracetamol but I threw it all up. That was the worst time in my life. That was the time I felt the worst. And now it's starting all over. The paranoia. The hallucinations. The extreme need to get away. The suicidal thoughts. The crying as soon as I'm alone. I feel like I'm losing my voice, I don't want to talk anymore. I feel like I'm losing the will to eat, I'll just starve to death. I feel like I'm losing the ability to get out of bed, to wash my hair, to shower, to do work, to do anything. I just wish I was already dead so I didn't have to feel like this anymore.
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Suiciding isn't the answer. Going to a doctor for help is.
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