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I feel stuck, but that doesn't mean I've gotten nowhere from trying. I still can't eat most days without worrying about how all food will affect my body shape, weight, and mood. It's exhausting to live, but I live on trying to become better. I'm not suicidal anymore and haven't been for almost a year I think. I actually do eat, even if I hate it sometimes because I don't want to die or get sicker from not eating. It's hard for me to eat enough. My brain panics when I feel full or when I eat normal amounts. I still try. Sometimes I have no appetite for days, and I at least eat what I can then. Eating feels like a chore to me many days of the week. I've tried not to make it feel that way, but it does. I ate dinner with my grandparents and the rest of my family on Sunday, and I didn't panic. I used to have panic attacks whenever I had to do that because of some of the rude things that were said to me during those times, and how my grandparents would pressure me to eat when mentally, I was a wreck and not ready for pushes from people who didn't understand. Another accomplishment is that I went out to eat at a Japanese restaurant with my family, I ate a reasonable amount, and I did not panic. Last year, doing that is something I could have never imagined. But, I've moved forward, even if I am still not better. I still get anxiety about eating in public, or eating meals with my family on really bad days. I just do, and I have to try to overcome it so that I can find peace in my life. But, for now, at least I know I am not moving backwards.
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