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I died the moment i thought everything will work out the way i hoped it will. But no life went another way for me it left me on my knees begging it to take me away. I am so exhausted i am nothing to myself. I give hope but i lose hope. I keep on hoping for the best of myself but i always get disppointed. I am the killer of my own destiny because joy has left me behind. I smile like i have a lot to cry about and cry like i have lost myself entirely i am a walking dead surrounded by nothing but fake and more fake. I have these bruises that cut deeper than anything that would manage to kill a person at one. I dont have suicidal thoughts because for me I'm already dead but i feel awake. Im blinded by what i can do for me but i see me losing me very clearer. Oh my i hope you hear me and i hope you see me. An hand holds me to keep me away from darkness but i tend to let go. I already gave up and i can't rise up again.
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If your goals reside outside common conventions, they do get more difficult; there are ways however to accommodate. For years, I wanted to live as though life were a giant adventure where I helped the world, but living was way less fun than I hoped; corruption and confusion in the world obscured progress, but I sought out other ways. Life is very boring to me; short jolts of adrenaline or a song with the right energy can awaken me again, but nowadays I get the most enjoyment helping others live the life they want. What it does for me is: Life is not my thing, but it means a lot to others; seeing them happy makes me feel better that I at least got to help someone. It may help to trace your steps through the hierarchy of needs: Do you have enough to sustain, do you feel safe, do you have a place to live you feel assured of, community, connection, and finally, do you feel you can explore and be who you wish? It could be the life you want may be closer than it first appears. Apathy may fear the unknown, but love walks with you through this all. Take each day as it arrives, and remember we love you *hug* 💖
ReplySometimes in life we must confront the darkness. The things we think it represents, the things we fear inside it. It is painful to step into those shackles willfully. Even more so to find they're all that's left to cling to in this ever present cyclone of loss and despair.
I've been to that place, I know what it's like. Lost everything and everyone I ever had hoped to have in this world.
What I can tell you is this much, hope becomes what you make of it once you've seen the entirety of the darkness. I'm not sure if where I guide you is back to the light exactly, but more so to a place of balance.
You, that creature sitting inside your skull, can you feel it? Can you feel yourself existing? That this war inside has caused this sort of split, where you want one thing but your brain says something else? Feel it, like a pulse in the center of your forehead.
You are in control of this vessel, you are the captain. You can see it from behind your own eyes, feel it in the back of your skull. This ship is yours.
In that much, you have to change the narrative inside. This darkness taking over. You have to be the one to say "yes, I will believe" and in that you can choose to believe whatever you want to believe.
But know that the more time, the more attention you give to that darkness, the stronger it gets, the harder it is to pull away from.
Practice changing the words. Practice having hope. Practice loving yourself and above all practice being in charge of your own body. This meat exosuit you were born into.
It's just practice. A little here, a little there. Regaining strength in spite of the world. Regaining focus in spite of loss. Shift that focus to what you want to see. Since you can't have exactly what you want, you might as well improvise. Practice that, you'll find it makes things a tad more interesting and interesting is good, because it helps you focus.
You are not lost in the abyss, you are home. Take it for what it is, no good, no bad. It just is. Then take control.
ReplyHere, this may be of some assistance
https://youtu.be/ZXng1JE9dmk
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